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Welcome BoT! You have come to a good place. You can read my intro if you want, but as a quick note, I am TBM (although unorthodox), while DH is not. He went through his crisis of faith back in May. When he told me, I was devasted. I cried alot. He told me he would not interfere with DC’s religious instruction, and he knew that to do that, he would have to remain active in the church. I had no idea how that could even be done. So, I went searching and found John’s essay, and this site.
One of the posters here directed me to FacesEast, which is a site for LDS believing spouses whose partners are not believers. It helped me alot. StayLDS has also helped us both tremendously. We have made it through the toughest part, which was learning how to love and accept each other without conditions. I had to come to the realization that DH had done nothing wrong, that asking questions was not a sin.
We had to decide that our marriage was more important to us than anything else, and then act accordingly. I guess the best way to describe it would be as though DH and I are like a trapeze team. There we were, doing our tricks, lots of long tosses and the like. I was never afraid of letting go of him because I knew there was a net to catch me (my temple marriage). But when DH became disaffected, that net was no longer “guaranteed”. At that point I had 3 choices: 1) Force DH to go back to TBM status, thus giving me the ILLUSION of a safety net, 2) Quit the trapeze team, climb down and leave the circus, or 3) HOLD TIGHT TO MY HUSBAND and get on with the show. I chose number 3, so did he. I cannot express to you what a difference this has made in our marriage. We are closer than we have ever been. Amazing, that by dropping the net, my marriage is actually safer, stronger and happier.
Be patient with your DW. This is a difficult process, but it can be done. I have a different view of the priesthood than my DH, but I consider him worthy in every way to bless and ordain our children and serve in callings. Go slow as you navigate this path, and respect your DW’s beliefs, as you want her to respect yours. There will be ups and downs, and all the other challenges of life will still be there, but it can be done.
Hang in there! And rely on the people who post here, they are really caring and smart.
Hey Wendell, You’ve been on my mind. How’s it going with the therapist? How are you holding up? How is your son?
I love you Ray! Jeriboy, I understand how you feel. I would love to think that my children will turn to me, or a church leader, when questions arise. But the fact is, that will NOT always be the case. My DH wasn’t even looking for “issues” with the church’s history. He was researching poygamy. He was confused as to why the church was so involved with Prop 8, when mormons should have been the last people inviting government control of marriage. Well, he found alot more than he was looking for. He is now a disaffected, but active LDS. He remains active in order to support our family.
I, on the other hand, am more willing to accept the messy church history without becoming disaffected. I love the church and would never want another, but at the same time, I refuse to believe that I am less mormon if I dance to a slightly different tune. An orchestra needs more than violins, so just think of me as an oboe…..
Poor little guy. Mouth injuries are the worst. Hopefully, the docs can get the teeth back to normal. I have to echo Just Me about the sleep issues. Now might be a great time to go to the sleep clinic. (It would get you off the couch.)
(((Hugs))) Hang in there, Wendell. Give the therapy some time. Can you and your wife switch off, one night you get the bed, next you get the sofa? 
But seriously, I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now. Focus on healing yourself and on the joy you find in your children. I will keep you in my prayers.
Thanks for posting this encouraging and hopeful quote from Elder Holland. I believe that God loves us all and wants us to show our love to him in whatever way we can. DH is a convert. He did not serve a mission, did not attend primary or mutual. He has often struggled with fitting in with mormon culture. I can totally understand how converts can feel lonely. I am also convinced that our church NEEDS converts, not for their numbers, but for their spark! Bruce, I SO appreciated you posting on this board. I love learning your point of view. I do not always agree with you, but I find you to be very sincere. I also find your story to be fascinating. Thanks for pointing out the instances of angels with swords. I can accept that if an angel in the old testament had a sword, an angel visiting Joseph Smith could have one.
HiJolly,
I guess I was projecting my own ideas of angels into my conclusion that angels don’t have bodies of flesh and bone. I guess I think of angels as spirits that have either not yet received a body, or have not yet been resurrected. I admit this is an assumption on my part, so just as with Bruce, I can be open minded on that point.
This does not change my conclusion. But I am so grateful to you both for pointing out some possible holes in my reasoning. I love learning and I cannot learn if people don’t share what they know.
Thanks!
I have been thinking about this topic alot lately. I have pondered all the different opinions, scripture, etc, and I was quite surprised at the conclusion that I came to, considering my TBMness. Keep in mind, this is MY conclusion, and each person has to come to their own. I believe that Jospeh was a prophet, but I have concluded that he was NOTacting as a prophet when he instituted polygamy. Nothing adds up, and here are my reasons: 1) Book of Mormon teaches against polygamy.
2) Angel with sword? Come on, angels do not have bodies. How could an angel be toting a sword?
3) Angel with sword, part 2. If God wanted to threaten Joseph with destruction, did he really need to send an angel with a sword? How many accounts do we have where God was displeased with Joseph and chastened him personally?
4) Mary, the mother of Jesus. When the angel came to Mary to inform her that she had “found favor with God” and that she was to be the mother of the Messiah, she humbly agreed to her role in this amazing event. But, Mary was engaged to Joseph. When she was found to be pregnant, Joseph was encouraged to “put her away privily”.
God sent a messenger to Joseph, in a dream, explaining what was going on. Joseph was not forced to rely on Mary for an explanation. Likewise, IMO, Emma would certainly have been entitled to a personal visit from a Heavenly messenger. 5) THE ABSOLUTE INEQUITY. I am not even speaking of the inequity between men and women in polygamy. I am talking about the basic robbery and damnation of countless good, righteous, MARRIABLE men. Each plural wife represents an unmarried, lonely man. What was/is to become of these men? They have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. They have been taught that their priesthood is not complete without a wife. They have been warned that their exaltation will not be complete without an eternal companion. They’ve heard that if they are single in Heaven they will “serve” those who have mates. No offense, but that is a crappy deal, any way you look at it.
6) The deception. Its what we DO that matters, not what we say.
I did not include in my ponderings the impact of polygamy on the women, because there are so many pluses and minuses. I just wanted to look at the basic premise, the logistics, the why’s and how’s. I just cannot come to any kind of conclusion that paints Joseph in a sympathetic light. This does not change my opinion that he was a prophet. But it does strengthen my opinion that he was also a man, with all the failings that go along with being human. It is not my intent to be disrespectful to anyone, but this is the conclusion I have come to. Our second article of faith states that “men will be punished for their own sins”, and from what I have concluded, polygamy is punishment for men who have commited no sin. I just can’t find that to be God’s plan for His children. I have a son. I also have 2 daughters. I can find nothing in polygamy that I would consider of value for any of them.
Wendell, I am so humbled by your strength in the face of adversity. Its easy to have faith and be strong when everything is going great. But it takes real faith to reach out your hand when its been slapped in the past. Hang in there! It was me, swimordie. Hi Wendell, Just got back from a short vacation. I was praying for you on Monday and I am so happy that you made the appointment. Keep us posted. And try to keep in mind that sometimes a stranger is the BEST person to talk to about some things. Look at all of us here, we are all strangers to each other. Yet, this is a great place for us to find help and offer help to others. Making that appointment took courage!
