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Our youngest child is 13, so DC are very plugged in at church. DH doesn’t want to turn their world upside down. We already teach tolerance and love for other religious ideas. We also teach tolerance for other lifestyles and choices, so we plan to expand our teachings to include the idea of a big mormon tent, with lots of differing opinions. Does your wife know about FacesEast? Its a forum site for believing LDS who have spouses with other beliefs. It has helped me so much. I know it has helped DH, too, because he can see things from many points of view. Invite your wife to visit this site, as well as FacesEast, she can also private message if she wants to talk.
There are some really smart people who post on this site, I hope you get to read their messages. I wish you the best of luck. One thing I can say is that this experience has shown me how much I love DH and how important my family is to me. I have made the choice to put DH and DC above all else in my life. DH is doing the same. We are both giving up what we would consider our ideal in favor of having a great marriage. Easy choice when you think about it.
Hi Kinderhook, you have come to the right place. Have you read John Dehlin’s essay about how to stay in the LDS church after a major trial of faith? If not, please read it right away. That essay has done so much to help my husband and myself. My DH is disaffected, but has decided to stay in the church for the sake of our family, and John’s essay gives practical advice on how to make it work. Our children do not know of his disaffection. I am a believing latter day saint, so its important to me that our children be raised in the church, and DH is supportive. He holds a calling and attends some, but not all, of the meetings. He skips the whole block when he feels he needs to. Our situation is NOT perfect, but we are working together to make it as good as it can be. Your concern for your family is so sweet and touching. Please know that there are other familes like yours. Does your wife know of your feelings? If not, I am sure that you often feel isolated. So, I hope you can find support here.
Welcome! This is a wonderful place. Everyone here is very supportive. You can read my intro if you want to know more about me. I am active, believing LDS, but my husband became disaffected about 2 months ago. He was not born in the church, but has been a member for over 20 years. He attends church to support our family. Feel free to private message me if you want to talk. I think faith is different for each person. But for me, faith is a hope, belief, or feeling that is strong enough to make me get out of my chair and do something. That may be an over simplification, but its what guides me. Thanks for the concern, MH. Not to worry. When I say a slow drip, I mean a SLOW drip. Mostly, just the idea that prophets (JS included) are people, just like us. They can guide us, but we have to work to find our pathway back to Heavenly Father. Stuff like that. My husband is staying involved and active in the church so that our childrens’ LDS world (and mine) remain intact. I grew up in a pretty open minded household. So, alot of the stuff that upsets people is not that big of a deal to me. I just want to make sure that MY household is just as open minded so that my children will be ready for what comes their way. Anyway, thanks for the advice. DH and I are breaking new ground and need all the input, help and friendship we can get!
Good point. But I don’t believe the future leaders of the church will have the luxury of sugar coating history. Information is just too accessible. Even the current leaders cannot stop the flow of information. I am TBM, but I have told DH that I want to make sure that our children are not kept in the dark. I don’t want them blind sided with information about the church that would be hurtful to them if they learned it from someone other than us. I don’t want them to have the “expose” version, but rather a slow drip of information weaved into their normal religious training. I believe that the leaders of the church are going to have to start addressing many of these issues because the upcoming generation is completely digital. When they have a question, they turn to google. All the untold information about the church’s past is only a few mouse clicks away……The leaders are going to have to start facing this issue, if only so they put their spin on it.
When I first read your post I thought your DH’s example, though crude, was his way of expressing his own feelings of betrayal. When DH informed me of his disaffection it was a heartbreaking experience for me. The most painful words I have ever heard were when DH told me that, in his opinion, we were not sealed to each other. That hurt me more than his opinions of JS, BOM, etc. etc. I totally took it personally, like he was rejecting ME. I thought that he didn’t believe in the sealing because he didn’t love me enough. Well, of course, that was not the case. It was just one more of the many issues that we have had to talk through and figure out. For some TBM’s the garment is an outward sign of how they feel about the temple, their sealing, etc. Perhaps your DH feels anxious when you don’t wear G’s because it makes him wonder how you feel about him. I don’t want to put words in his mouth, and I certainly don’t condone his controlling behavior, but I would say that if DH is trying to be controlling its because he feels like things in his life are out of his control. I know that I feel that way once in awhile. My DH works very hard to make sure that I know how much he loves me. I am sure you are doing the same with your DH. But maybe you need to be more specific and find out exactly how DH feels about your lack of G’s.
I think these situations cause a lot of tip toeing and walking on eggshells because both spouses are afraid to say the thing that will start another argument. So, we keep stuff inside, and then all that stuff comes spilling out at once. I am still working through stuff, so is DH. I am sure that all couples in this particular situation will be working through stuff for the rest of their/our lives. The one thing I can say is that I really believe its worth it! I often feel like I am giving up alot to make this work, but I have to remind myself that DH is giving up alot, too. Its not even like a 50/50 situation. Its more like 120/120! But its worth it!!!
I hope you understand that I am not trying to put the responsibility on you. You and DH have to work together. But I wanted to give my TBM perspective. Your DH needs to find ways to express his feelings without being hurtful. Of course, he may need to talk to someone who can help him sort out exactly how and what he feels. None of us TBM’s really have any training in how to deal with this, just like you probably had no training in how to deal with a crisis of faith.
I hope and pray you can get this worked out. Of course, if DH insists on the Strip Club thing, you could always say, “OK, LET’S go!”
This is why I have not told anyone in my family about my DH’s disaffection. Not that I think they would berate my DH, but because I would never want to change the way they see him. Of course, this works because he is remaining active. However, if he were to leave the church, we would have to tell my family. It would be devastating, but I know my family would still love him. But it would be MY RESPONSIBILITY to set the guidelines with my family, with DH at my side. Remember the movie, “Meet the Parents”? That movie ENRAGED me because the girlfriend basically threw her fiance’ to the wolves. SHE knew her family and what they would put him through and did nothing to prepare him, intervene on his behalf, be his advocate, etc.. I am not suggesting that swimordie’s DW has thrown him to the wolves, on the contrary. She sounds like an amazing, supportive spouse. But she really needs to express to her family that she loves DH, the marriage is better than ever, and what she really needs from her family is their love and support, not their advice or consternation. She is a married, adult woman. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done. I am a total daddy’s girl and the thought of this conversation makes my heart skip a beat. But if it was needed in order to maintain my sanity and the peace in my marriage, you better believe it would happen.
Swimordie, maybe the best thing for you to do is sit down with your DW and her family. Tell them of your love for her and that you would NEVER ask her to choose between yourself and them, or between yourself and the church. They are probably scared that they may “lose” their daughter. Assure them that nothing could be farther from the truth. Have your DW express to them HER feelings about the whole situation. If they are loving parents, they will not want to hurt her. They may not even know that their actions are causing her stress. They probably believe that if she presses the issue with you, that you will change your mind. Tell them that you love your wife so desparately that if that were actually the case, you would never have gone down this road in the first place. Tell them that this is between you and the Lord. Tell them that the closest thing to godliness you have found on this earth is the love of your DW.
I guess that is the biggest reason why I would never leave my DH. The closest thing to godliness that I have found on this earth is the way he loves me. If god loves me half as much as my DH does, I know He will make everything allright.
” I believe the sealing powers of the temple have stronger chords than we can understand in this life…” I love that statement. I believe in the sealing power. I believe that my husband and I are sealed to each other, even if he now rejects the doctrine. I love him and want to be with him forever. But I also know how important it is to live, love, laugh NOW.
Hello Valoel, Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have to admit, I was shocked and angry at first. But, I love my husband so dearly that it is hard for me to stay angry. Then I was mosty sad. Now, I feel much more hopeful. I guess the number one thing that guides me is that divorce was never an option for either of us. We are really in love with each other. Its just getting used to the new normal. Fortunately, church or not, I still believe that my husband is the best person I have ever known. I love what you said about doing all I can to make my marriage a celestial marriage. I can do that! I can make my home a heaven on earth. So, thanks. Your comments were very uplifting.
Hello Orson and Ray, I love both of your posts. My husband and I were having a discussion about religion. (I am believing, active LDS, he has lost his faith and is in the process of “staying lds”) The discussion came down to his statement that he no longer believes in the authenticity of the church. I explained to him that I believe the church is true. I believe that even if Joseph and Brigham were imperfect, they were still inspired men of God….prophets. But I also made it clear to him that if for some reason, when all is said and done, my church is not true, I still believe that it is the BEST option within Christianity. It offers the most choice blessings and provides the most hope for the future. I also believe that I will never come under condemnation from God for living by its precepts. I also believe that a true, believing mormon could only find favor with his or her fellow man by living the gospel. It is my efforts to live this gospel that are helping me to deal with this new pathway in my life…….”We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God accoridng to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege……” Now its my turn to “allow” one particular man the freedom to discover what the “dictates” of his own conscience are going to be. The amazing thing to me is how comforting my religion is for me right now, when it would be easy to expect the opposite……..I never dreamed I would be going through something like this.
Thanks for your thoughts, they give me much to ponder.
Thank you for welcoming me. I have shared this site with my husband and he has been reading the posts. It has helped him quite a bit because he feels rather isolated. This is the hardest part for me, to see him feeling alone. I want to be everything to my husband, but I know that he needs more than just me right now. So, thank you all for being willing to open your hearts to others. I will have my husband teach me how to use this format so that I can post and/or reply to posts in a more personal manner. For now, I will just have to do it this way. I am not tech smart. I will also encourage him to post since he is the best spokesman for himself.
Thanks again.
