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Welcome! I am really glad you shared your story. Without sharing details, I feel like we have had similar experiences. I have never been disfellowshipped (probably because of my gender), but I too have had to go through the disciplinary process for sins that were a result of behaviors that were a result of abuse and incorrect thinking patterns that were passed on from parents and grandparents (mixed in with a healthy dose of church guilt and using the church as a weapon). I am in the process right now of sorting through many of these same issues and emotions. I like what Ray said and agree that it is important to separate the different issues. For me, it has been helpful to remember that my relationship with my Heavenly Father and Savior is just that….MY relationship. I believe that when I face my Savior and loving Father face-to-face, that it will be a very personal, intimate meeting and there will be no intermediary (such as a Bishop or Stake President). My bishop and other leaders are simply there to help me facilitate personal spiritual growth and development…but there are not my gateway to such. During times of repentance and probation (which are miserable and sweet at the same time–as they allow me to draw closer to the Savior and appreciate the atonement in more ways than I can ever imagine), I have to work very hard to remain humble and remember that it is STILL about my personal relationship with God/Christ and that the church bureaucracy is just a process that has to be completed. For now, I have found it very helpful to focus more on correcting the thought/behavior patterns that are creating a “weakness” in me that I want to strengthen (co-dependency) and staying close to my Savior/Heavenly Father. I am “tabling” my feelings about church issues until I am in a healthier place emotionally and spiritually. I don’t have any answers…just wanted to say welcome and all the best as you work through the feelings that surround this experience. I am happy that the issues have been handled and that you were humble enough to submit yourself to the entire disciplinary process (which can be grueling–even when handled with kindness). Blessings to you and yours. Congrats Ray to you and yours…I don’t know where you are moving from so I don’t know how much “culture” shock it will be…but I hope you and your family enjoy getting settled in Missouri….the Show-Me State will be a better place with you and yours here 
Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I feel the same way about partaking of communion or the sacrament at other churches and choose to abstain as I don’t feel it is appropriate. I attended a different church yesterday and observed how they presented the sacrament (as more of a “all are welcome to partake of the Savior’s grace and forgiveness) and then contrasted that with our own sacrament meeting (and the attendant lesson that we had in Gospel Doctrine). It made me reflect on a time in my life when I didn’t take the sacrament and how I perceived that time period. Fortunately, it was only a brief time period (like 6 weeks or so) but the pain of that experience made me think about someone who is facing down a year without the sacrament (like in disfellowshipment) and how hard that would be! I would imagine it takes a lot of humility to come back week after week and feel the sting of not being able to make that commitment with the Lord, to have the promise of “having the Spirit to be with you” and to be washed clean (since the sacrament is a renewal of the baptismal covenant and provides the same cleansing experience). But I suppose that is part of the pain required of the repentance process??? Thanks for the inspirational post. I just ordered the PoM from Amazon and look forward to delving into it after reading Stages of Faith. I really appreciate everyone who shares parts of their personal journey here and what they are learning along the way…it is immensely uplifting and helpful for me. Ray– I will definitely keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, send positive thoughts, and do the “help my brothers and sisters find employment” rain dance. Of course, given that Missouri would be uplifted by having your family move into our state I am biased in hoping that opportunity works out for you
Best wishes!!
Well stated Ray. As I continue to learn, grow, and explore, I still keep coming back to the personal truth that for me, this is simply the best path I have found in which to develop my best self. In fact, I was reflecting on this during my morning commute and was thinking that it sure would be a lot easier for me if I didn’t feel this way about the mormon “path”…I feel that walking the mormon path is the most difficult and challenging way for me to live but anything less has proved to be empty and not personally satisfying. My challenge is to be the best “me” I can be, love all those around me–whether inside the church or not–and continue to focus on the core principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. While this can be frustrating at times, I too, have not found a place where I can do so with such great intensity. With all of its flaws and shortcomings as an organization, I am so grateful for the positive benefits I have been able to experience because of my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ. I have struggled with prayer at different times in my life so I “feel your pain”…and the hardest part has been making my prayers honest, sincere, and intimate. I have found that when I do that…I receive much more comfort and peace. Could this be a function of simply being self-reflective and meditative? Perhaps….but it works for me and helps me feel more centered and grateful for the things in my life so I stick with it… I have also been reflecting on the idea that it is important to define and ask for what I really want…even if I don’t receive back an immediate answer or fulfilled request. Sometimes I do…but most times I am just given the comfort and assurance that everything is going to be okay, to not give up, and to keep pushing forward in a positive direction. Thanks again to everyone for their warm welcome. Here are some thoughts from this week… **************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
All of my life I have tried to be the “good girl” and live up to some warped expectations that were a mixture of religious/parental influence. I am not saying the expectations were wrong or were not worthy of striving to live by, but the manner in which I perceived myself and the reasons behind why I wanted to meet such expectations were warped.
This is because instead of working towards accomplishments, goals, dreams, or choosing to live by certain standards because they were what I wanted, I did everything for external rewards. The reward of pleasing my parents, the reward of pleasing church associates, the reward of believing I was a “good girl” and was “better” than others…the reward of living in a safe and non-threatening bubble where I didn’t have to face down some of the difficult questions about myself.
Questions such as:
Who am I?
What makes me “good” or “bad” (or both—because I am human)?
What are the underlying ethics that support my personal behavior?
What do I want out of life? What do I want to contribute to life?
Who do I want to be?
These are questions I should have started working through in adolescence and young adulthood but I was so focused on pleasing other people and living up to their expectations that I never took the time to struggle with these issues.
As I have started to face down these questions over the past several years, I have realized a couple of things.
I am good simply because I am. What I choose to do with my basic good self is up to me. I can choose to apply who I am to the betterment of myself and the world around me or I can choose to engage in destructive behaviors. I will, of course, make mistakes but what matters more than the “mistake” is that I learn from the experience and learn more about who I am and who I want to be.
I am not as “nice” or as “good” as I thought I was when I was living in the little self-deceiving, self-righteous, self-created world of black and white. Being “nice” and/or “good” was simply a way for me to manipulate my world in an attempt to control the people and events in my life.
I deserve to be myself and so does everyone else. I can respect others, their freedom to be who they are, and enjoy the beauty they make of their life as I also respect myself and my right to do the same.
I want to be in relationships (whether familial, friendship, or intimate) because the persons involved WANT to be with me…not because they “need” me. I used to be afraid that if they didn’t NEED me there would be no reason for them to have me around. I now know that I am worthy of being “wanted” and that I don’t have to do anything to be worthy of such affection or love. I can also care for others by simply wanting to be in their lives, not forcing them to take what I am offering, and just accepting and celebrating who they are.
What I want….and this list will continue to grow as I continue to discover my own preferences…
I want to be healthy physically and emotionally (I am no longer afraid of being attractive)
I want to cultivate a rich and diverse circle of friends
I want to continue to work towards financial stability
I want to be brutally honest with myself
I want to continue to learn (take classes, attend stimulating lectures, expand my horizons and perspectives)
I want to be in a loving and fulfilling relationship
I want to be present each day and be present for my family and friends in ways that truly support who they are and where they are headed (and offer support from a healthy place that honors both them and me)
I want to continue to cultivate a healthy relationship with my sons
I want to learn more about my own personal path/relationship to and with God
I want to cultivate the courage and personal integrity necessary to stand up for truth and justice
Thanks for the honest and thoughtful responses. I seriously can’t imagine NOT wearing my garments in the normal course of my day but it struck me as interesting this morning as I was preparing for work and realized that I had never really thought about it much. I do agree that they remind me of the covenants I have made and the relationship I have with my Savior…. I think it is something I need to think about more seriously, research, and come to understand more of their significance in my life. Thanks! I am glad you are here! Being tossed out of our comfort zones and forced from the “rut” of daily living, can be excruciatingly painful in the beginning but in my experience, has always led to greater knowledge, wisdom, and eventually compassion and empathy. There is nothing wrong with questioning and exploring and rebuilding your beliefs. I have compared my current struggle with an exercise program….we tear down our muscles in order to rebuild… I think we can do the same things with our knowledge of the gospel and with our testimonies. There is a great book called Transitions by William Bridges which has been very helpful to me.
It has also been helpful for me to remember that as uncomfortable as it is, the best solution involves working THROUGH the issues in front of me. It has also helped me remember that life is not black and white, it is messy and gray. If I try to solve my issues by either running to a black or white solution (in this case….escaping to the “bubble” of forcing myself to appear as a “perfect” mormon or dumping everything and simply walking away), it doesn’t really solve the underlying issue.
My hope for you is that you will feel the love of the Lord in your life as you take this next big step in your growth and development.
Hang in there!
Promom
Thank you for such a thoughtful and kind response. You have helped me remember that people in my ward have responded positively to me revealing my authentic self and have actually thanked me for sharing my perspective. I just need to not give up and not be afraid to use my voice when appropriate. Best wishes for you as you walk your own path! Ray- Thank you for the beautiful quote. It fits right into what I was thinking this morning about “what I want” when I walk through the doors of church. I realized as I thought through this….that “what I want” is best expressed as what I want everyone to feel when they walk through the doors or interact with latter-day saints.
What I want everyone who walks into our lives, into our homes, or into our meetinghouses to experience:
–A feeling that they are valued, accepted for who they are and where they are
–The presence of the Savior’s love and an environment which encourages them to come unto Christ
–Language and terminology that is more inclusive and includes more “this has been my experience” and “this has worked for me” and encourages each person to find the solution that is best for him/her and their family
–Language that expresses that the standards and commandments and guidelines are designed to bring us greater happiness, that we are all imperfect, and that such guidelines shouldn’t be used to beat each other up
–A desire to look at the whole person and not judge one aspect of behavior*
–Paying attention to those who might be in the minority and making sure that our language and teachings make a special effort to include them and are representative of their “status”
And when I get to the root of the matter…it is all about ME offering that kind of love and support to the others in my life and letting go of the expectation that it has to be returned to me in a form and fashion of my own vain creation. I am simply called to love and as I do so in a manner that is Christ-like and mindful of the needs of the person with whom I am interacting, I believe I will naturally find more of the love and acceptance I am seeking (and will have the ultimate love and acceptance of the Savior with me in greater abundance which is the ultimate peace and comfort I seek).
This is what I will be seeking to do in my life.
*I am not talking about serious issues here such as child molestation or other public safety issues. I am a strong proponent of ensuring our people are not placed in situations where they can be victims of abusers.
