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Anyway, take the things they say with a healthy grain of salt. I’m starting to think Jiminy Cricket had it all figured out when he said “let your conscience be your guide” [not always your priesthood leaders just because they are called — listen to them, but do what you think is best in the long run].
I really liked what you said SilentDawning. I think that is the best thing to do. We are all different; our needs are different; our goals and desires are different. Frankly if I would have listened to my conscience I would have never gone and talked to the bishop.I wish I could have had that mentality when he said it to me because all the way up to my wedding day I really thought, “It’s going to be my fault our sealing doesn’t mean anything. I won’t be worthy to go through the temple etc.” Every now and again when my husband and I have arguments or tough times I sometimes hear that thought in my mind, “You must have gotten married unworthily.” Thankfully now I take those thoughts out behind the woodshed 
I saw this comic which portrayed Moroni visiting Joseph. Scene (Moroni hovering in the air reading a 3×5 card with Joseph freaked out huddling in the corner)
Quote:“And you shall find the plates wrapped in swaddling clothing laying in a manger….wait a minute this doesn’t sound right…”
The second one depicts Joseph with Moroni going to get the plates
Scene (Moroni looking bewildered while Joseph is in a hole digging; there are thousands of holes dug)
Quote:“Man sorry Joseph, but after a couple thousand years everything looks REALLY different.”
Hey Sarah, Welcome to the group. I hope you can find the support you are looking for here. I can identify with you when you mentioned polygamy being the clincher when it came to understanding the church’s dirty laundry. That one really sent me over the edge too.
Silentdawning I am sorry for the delay. I have been trying several times to think of a way to explain more of my story. I think the easiest way to explain it is that I was working through an abusive past and trying to recover from an eating disorder. I then happened to have a horrible run in with a black and white thinking bishop as I was preparing to get married. This bishop had me convinced that I was a horrible person. “You know God has visited every temple on this earth. You really need to make sure you are worthy before you enter the temple because you would not want to be the reason he could not return” or something to that affect. There were many other very unpleasant experiences which are a little difficult for me to share. The interactions I had with this man really caused me to wonder what kind of God would not be sympathetic or merciful to a woman who was hurting so much inside and was trying so hard to be a good person and to fix things. As I sat in church it was really striking how so many messages I heard resembled messages I got from my abusive father and my eating disorder. I thought if this church really is something good then why is it the closer I move to it the sicker I become? After about five months of being married and being away from that horrible bishop I read this book that was “the straw the broke the camel’s back.” I read the book “escape” which talks about a woman’s experience getting out of the FLDS. My main thought was, “If polygamy is this warped now it probably was as warped back then. What kind of God would actually make people go through that?” I finally just snapped and everything that I had been holding in just flooded out. I could no longer see the church in the perfect light I tried to hold it in and people try to hold it in.
I would like to put a positive end to this. I am in a much better place now and I hope that I can become comfortable with this new view I have of the church. I hope I can soon learn how to live with my enlightened views comfortably within the larger culture.
When I read your title I automatically remembered a time in my life when I realized I did not have a relationship with God. As I talked to someone I trusted I told them how I felt like God was a complete stranger. I asked them what I should do about it and they said, “Well have you ever talked to God about how you feel?” I was so dumbfounded by their response. “Why should I talk to God when he knows everything?!” After a period of time went by I realized something very profound while I was studying psychology and about developing a therapeutic relationship with a client. As a therapist you never really tell the client much about yourself, but you are there and present with them, and sometimes a very powerful relationship can develop. However; this relationship is not going to develop if your client does not trust you and if they do not let you in. I then realized God is kind of like a therapist and I am like a client. God may know everything there is to know about me, but if I don’t let him in we will never have a relationship even if he is the most powerful “therapist.” He can’t force me into a relationship. I have to open the doors. The only way to develop a relationship with any person whether they be human or deity we have to open up to them. The most beautiful moment I have ever had with God is when I actually expressed everything that was in my mind and heart. I told him how much I was disappointed and angry with him and I will never forget the feeling I felt after I got done telling him how I felt. I got this feeling that said, “I love you and it’s about time you talked to me about this stuff you have been carrying around.”
I don’t know if this would be helpful for you, but I was introduced to a book called “The Shack” and I found it to be one of the most beautiful depictions of God I have ever come across to this day. I am not saying that I have this wonderful relationship with God now because of this book, but it has opened my eyes to the possibilities.
