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At the risk of sounding completely unstable and crazy, :crazy: I must confess that I once resigned from the church. Both my husband and I. Ten years ago. The crazy part is the fact that a year later, we went back. A year later, we left again. Two years later, after the death of our son, I traded in all of the stuff I didn’t like about Joseph Smith in order to embrace his “revelation” on parents who lose children will be able to raise them in the millennium. I dove back into the church head first. I was in a very bad place. Let’s just say that despite everything I learned, for me, emotion always overruled logic. (I doubt anyone, especially my family, would really take me seriously if I left again). Stage 3 is a killer no matter what side of the fence you are on. For the past six years, I have been in the church. In that time, I have grown, so it wasn’t a completely bad decision. At least I have learned to be more loving and open minded towards those who do not think the same way as me. (Although it is a continuous learning process as I have to stay away from Facebook
Heber, with everything going on, on top of my shelf collapsing for the third time in ten years, it has been harder and harder to see the benefits being worth the pain and cognitive dissonance. My kids are very important to me, and I agree that they should be able to decide what they believe, but they are also still young and easily influenced. I would like to know what my kids are being “fed,” and it honestly breaks my heart to think of them sitting alone at church. I feel like it was too ambitious of me to think that I could be an example and help to others. I have reasoned that it is character building to associate with people who do not always think or believe the same, but knowing that they would completely reject me, and likely discipline me if I were to say how I truly believe and feel..it makes it really difficult to stay. It’s depressing at times. I’m tired, and on the verge of leaving again. To be honest, I’m barely hanging on at this point.
I used to go because I believed. Post faith crisis/transition…I go mainly because I have three teenagers who are all in presidencies, and a big part of their social life and friendships are there. I also teach primary with my husband, which I have a love/hate relationship with. I love the kids, but I hate the correlated lessons. To be honest, I have just been waiting for the right time to ask for a release. This is a great topic for discussion Ann. Like you, this really bothers me too. I do not believe in it. I do not condone it. It makes me physically sick to think about it too much. :sick: I just want to share that this week I listened to the ” A Thoughtful Faith” podcast featuring Kirk and his wife, and got the background story before I read his blog post. I highly recommend listening to it if you can. As a woman who has had to wrestle with the horrific thought of a possible eternity of sharing my husband, it was really comforting and refreshing to hear a man express how he decided to read Section 132 as if he were a woman, and it was heartbreaking. There was also a dream that Kirk had that also had a big part in why he did what he did. It was through this dream I believe he finally understood the reality of the pain that polygamy causes. I would share more, but “spoilers.”
Leader worship. This is a big one for me. Modesty enforcement and body shaming are another one. There are others, but those are ones that popped into my head first. There is a lot I am uncertain about, but I believe my experiences in the church, both positive and negative, have helped me grow and learn a lot about myself. The only thing I feel like I know for sure is that life does not end in death, and I have felt what I believe to be God’s love for me on occasion, although rarely. I believe it is reasonable that Joseph Smith may have had some kind of remarkable vision, but how much of the church, BOM, and everything else were from God, I just do not know. I honestly struggle to believe a lot of what he said and did were actually of God, and I feel the same way about leaders today. I’ve tried to rebuild and reconstruct my faith, but it is becoming harder for me at this point. It is harder to go to church than it ever was before, because of the cognitive dissonance. If I am supposed to stay, then I hope things begin to make sense sooner than later. Let’s just say that there is a lot more that I disbelieve about the church than I believe right now, but I am open to the fact that this may change. If God is concerned with me and wants me to return with Him or Her after I die, I really just want to be on the path that will help me do that, but I am unsure of what that path is in this stage of my life. Basically, I am a great big question mark. I appreciate this question being asked. I haven’t been on this board for many months, as my recent FC has left me feeling so empty and depressed. The main reason for this is the topic of death. I lost an almost full term baby not too many years ago, and I have never really looked at death the same way again. Giving birth to death was very traumatic for me. I have suffered PTSD, and sometimes still have vivid nightmares. I was not active in the church at the time when this happened, and it was during that time that I was coming to terms with my husband’s sex addiction. I was a mess! My parents, as well as his, came out to support us for the funeral, and I remember feeling like it was all my fault, and our parents blamed me because I was not active in the church. They slipped hints here and there about what JS said about babies and children who die. At that time, the last thing I wanted to hear about what JS, because of polygamy issues. I was angry, but after a few months of reading the book they wanted me to read, I decided that I had to accept polygamy happened, and problems with church history would eventually be answered. At that time, I would have done anything to see my baby again. I went to another Christian church for a while, but it did not hold the same promises that the LDS church did. This was the start to my going back to church. I shelved everything I studied. I was so hurt and missing my baby so much. I went years trying to hold on to that hope and build my faith. Deep down inside, I knew that I did not really know anything, but reasoned that if I hoped and wanted it bad enough, it would happen for me. Here I am, years later. I’m a student, a mother of other beautiful children, with a repaired marriage, and financial stability. I’m feeling very confident in my career path, and my sense of self worth. Things have improved for us, except the fact that I just do not have peace with death still. My shelf collapsed. I still go to church, and very few people know of my struggles. I put on a brave face, but I still cry in private for my son. My husband has moved on. He does not share the fears or sadness that I do. It wears him down for me to talk about it, but to be fair, I have talked about it a lot. He is different than me. Although he is also having a FC, he is less worried about death than before. So I came to this board today and searched the words “fear” and “death” and I saw this post. I am mourning the uncertainty of what I used to embrace. I feel like he died all over again. The not knowing part of this is really hard for me. I do not know how to find peace with it like many of you have done. I do hug my children a lot more and try to do the best I can with the time I have with them. The one comfort I have was a personal experience that I had a few days before he died, so I believe that death is not the end. It just has never happened again. I feel left behind and worry that I am not going to ever see him again, and I can barely stand that thought. I’m not comfortable with uncertainty. I wish I could be more of a help in that, but I do appreciate the fact that someone else can understand a little about what I am going through. Nothing quite forces you to look at your own mortality than a death of a loved one.
Sorry if I sabotaged your post. Thank you for posting this topic. It has been really helpful in so many ways.
I am trying to figure this one out myself SD. I would say that my two teenage daughters are a big reason right now. They are making good friends that have good values. When you live far from Utah, this becomes a trickier thing. I think Mormon Stories interviews with parents that raise their children in unorthodox ways and make the church work for them encourages me as well. Despite what the church says about John Dehlin, I credit Mormon Stories with helping me keep my sanity as I try and make the church work. That’s funny, although not surprising at all. When I hear the word “sweetheart” I visualize Han Solo’s sarcastic nickname for Princess Leia. “Don’t assume nothin’ sweetheart.” or “Sorry Sweetheart. I haven’t got time for anything else.”
I know. I’m such a nerd.
🙂 Robin Williams’ death hit me pretty hard. I have been suicidal before. I know that feeling of worthlessness and believing the world would be better off without you. I am fortunate to have some pretty good tools to cope. My heart hurts for Robin and his family. May God’s grace give him peace, rest, and maybe a glimpse of how much he meant to the world. I love yoga pants! So comfortable! My girls had girls camp last week, and they had this ridiculous rule also. I really dislike the fact that my girls are constantly taught that the only power they have is power over men’s thoughts. I was sexually abused from a boyfriend, and I blamed myself for a long time, believing I must have done something wrong to deserve that. Why? Because this was the crap I was taught in Young Women’s, along with how we are used pieces of chewing gum if we are not virgins. I am sick and tired of the modesty police.
With that being said, I understand why these kinds of rules may be enforced, especially by women leaders. My husband is a recovering sex addict. Lots of men in the church are. It can be extremely triggering for a woman to see women scantily clad, even if men are not around. It took me years to learn that I needed to place the responsibility of my husband’s thoughts on him, not those around him. We live in a very hot and humid state. Women dress in mini shorts, tank tops, and plenty of them show off their cleavage. Here I am, standing next to my husband, in line, at Walmart, (or anywhere, really), and we are not only surrounded by barely dressed women and girls, but magazines that leave little to the imagination. I am wearing shorts down to my knees, or Capri’s, and my shoulders and cleavage are covered completely. This used to cause such discomfort with me that I wanted to run out the door and hide. I believed that they had a lot more power over my husband than I. I was threatened. I let their sex appeal make me feel worthless and unsexy.
The fact is, I now have trained myself to view people as children of God. This can be done. It takes work. I had to do a 12 step program in order to get myself out of the codependent cycle if believing I, or other women, were the reason my husband was addicted. I believe the church does not help in this area, because teaching that women are responsible for men’s thoughts, is teaching codependency. I am rarely triggered anymore, but if I am, I know I need to work my program better. I focus less on what people are wearing, and more on myself. I do not know why people dress the way they do. It is not my place to judge. I put it in God’s hands.
