[RiverSong14]

Hi Roy.

Thank you for sharing your experience. It brought back memories of being a desperate mother wanting to know her son was OK. I find it interesting that we both went to baptist congregations after this experience. The one I attended for a short time was non-denominational. I do not think it was a coincidence that we attended that particular church either. The pastor and his wife had lost babies multiple times, and the sermons he gave were so powerful and just what we needed to hear. There was a definite “spirit” there of love and it gave us a sense of empowerment unlike anything we had experienced in an LDS ward. Plus the music was cool, and they had complimentary Starbucks. Interestingly enough, it was so unfamiliar to us, that when he started talking about paying tithing, my husband and I looked at each other and just thought if we were going to be paying tithing again, it would be to the Mormon church, because at least there was the promises that the LDS church brings of eternal families, etc. As nice as it was, it just didn’t feel like home, because it was not what we were used to. My question to you is do you tend to embrace the common Christian view of salvation by grace as opposed to works?

SunbeltRed,

I appreciate your honesty in your comment. Believe it or not, most of the time I feel blank. No answers one way or the other. My big “revelations” can be counted on one hand, and they were major life changing events, even though I have wondered why God picked those particular events, because I have had other life changing events where it seemed God left me to deal on my own. I wonder how many members do not actually want to admit that they haven’t had a “witness” of the church’s validity, etc. If I can be honest, going back to church felt like home, but it was what I was used to. It was what I was raised in. I took that feeling to mean that this is where I am supposed to be. I took a feeling and made it into a truth. Now that I am really asking God and seeking for truth, I do not get a good feeling or a bad feeling. I get nothing. Maybe it isn’t important, or God knows I am headed in the right direction in my search for truth, so He/She does not interfere, but perhaps trusts me. I don’t know…

[RiverSong14]

Good responses so far. Mom3…a fellow Whovian?! I appreciated your comments very much. I am sorry about your daughter. My heart goes out to her.

[RiverSong14]

I have seen this video. I guess my discouragement comes from the question I have on why, even though women “get” these things, are our husbands assigned to Preside over us? It feels like a slap in the face sometimes for me. I guess when I watch this, it seems like an apologetic video. It’s like “Hey! Look at how much you get compared to other churches?” Although we may get these things, men still primarily Preside over women. Inequality is a society problem, and I am happy the church seems to allow more opportunities for women, but in my mind, we have a long way to go. I don’t feel any better after watching it, and I watched it again, just for you. Perhaps you have a thought or two on this? My RS president made a statement Sunday stating that God is like a parent that gives his children chores. She believes the men’s chore is to have the Priesthood, and the women’s role is to have babies. Not everyone can be assigned the same chore, but they are equally important. I have no problem with having a different assignments than my husband, I guess it is the fact that because he is male, he gets to be in charge. That is not equal to me. I am grateful for what I do have, but I do not feel God trusts me the same way He trusts my husband. What about the women who can’t have children? They still have to answer to men. I can no longer have children. I still answer to my husband and other men. By the way, my husband is great. He treats me very well. I am also very happy that I am a mother, and consider it a great blessing. I just do not like the idea of me having to answer to my husband, and he in turn, answers to God. I am not mad at you, nor do I want to argue. I desperately want to feel better about this, but I don’t. It is a big question mark for me.

[RiverSong14]

SilentDawning,

Thank you for your response. You made a good point. I agree!

The ugliness I was referring to was the responses I saw on the Ordain Women Facebook page from “faithful” members of the church, as well as the responses to her excommunication that I saw plastered all over Facebook, and the comments I have heard from women in church. Never before have I felt so alone in the church as I have now. I don’t know anyone around here that I can talk to about this. If KK’s name is even mentioned in church, eyes start to roll, and the judgments start flying. Let’s just say I did not feel anything but the Spirit of contention last Sunday in Relief Society.

[RiverSong14]

SilentDawning wrote:

I would start one or two issues at a time and work through them through discussion here, while maintaining as much activity in the church as you can.

Of all the things that bother you about the church, which two are at the top of your list, and provide the biggest stumbling block to feeling at peace within the church?

1. Women’s assigned “roles” and gender inequality. I feel so alone in this issue. This is where I have really seen the ugly come out in the church. Very sad.

2. Following a Priesthood leader is more important than your personal revelation and conscience. There is always the “middle man,” especially for me as a woman. So many channels to go through to get to God, and you never know what answer you are going to get based off of that particular person and their life experience and set beliefs. It’s not that we can’t have personal prayers, but our answers must align with the current leadership, and this doesn’t always happen for me. Heaven forbid I speak up or I might get my recommend taken away, etc. I just feel like I am a square peg trying to fit in a round hole sometimes.

[RiverSong14]

Excellent quote! This makes perfect sense to me.

[RiverSong14]

Thanks for your responses everyone, and I loved the article you shared Orson. I had a bishop like that in a singles ward I was in years ago. He never got released after serving for years. His “release” was a heart attack in the night, and I have never been to a funeral with so many people. He was the most non-judgmental, and loving man. I have realized recently that repressing personal revelation, just because it wasn’t exactly in line with the common belief or teachings of the church, has been a huge cause of my anxiety issues. It was a bold move for me to finally say out loud to God that I just want to know the truth and to follow it no matter the costs, and I have stuck to that. I have had death anxiety ever since my son died five years ago. I couldn’t figure out why, after all, I had the gospel, right? I was going to the temple and doing all the list of things I was supposed to be doing, but I felt like I was missing something. Now I know. It was my constant efforts to turn off my conscience, or intuition, or the Spirit…whatever you want to call it. My inner voice was being ignored out of fear of being deemed “unworthy” from my husband, family, and other members. I wanted validation more than I wanted to do what was right. Even though I do not see things in such an orthodox way anymore, I have felt that fear slip away, and it is amazing! Sometime I may share what my “unorthodox” answers have been, but I am not sure I am ready yet. It’s a great story, but a long one. Again, thank you for the great advice and feedback!

[RiverSong14]

Thank you to you both. I do not mind if you keep both posts up. I will take your advice into consideration.

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