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mom3 wrote:
In case anyone cares – this wait is giving me an ulcer.
Hi Mom3,
This change in presidency is the least I’ve cared out of all of them. I used to wonder anxiously who would be the new first presidency and who would be in the Q12. I genuinely hate to say that cynicism has creeped in and I think it will be more of the same. Although I can honestly say I will miss President Monson. He struck me as someone who cared about the person.
As a bishop and the husband of someone who dislikes my calling, I might offer a few thoughts. [list]- Try to have a weekly date that nothing can interfere with. Turn off the cell phone and spend a few hours together and
do not talk about church. [*]It will get better. Slightly better, if nothing else because you’ll get used to it.[*]Most of the bishops wives I know hate it, so at least some of them are lying to you.🙄 [*]You have the right to tell him you need him more than church needs him. If Sacrament Meeting starts in 15 minutes and you need him home tell him that and expect him home. Wife is more important than church.[/list] One of the most painful experiences was after I had been in the new calling about 7 months my wife and I went on a 4 day getaway just the two of us. It was wonderful. On way back about an hour from home my wife was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. We pulled over and it was full-on weaping for 20 minutes because I’d have to go back to my calling. Once we had a full on argument in a grocery store because she said I was a stranger to her. Good times.
Just know you are not the only one, and I actually do think my marriage is stronger now. I still have 18 months left to go. Good luck to both of you!
At BYU in the mid-90s I dated a female chemical engineering major. She was a formidable trifecta – book smarts, street smarts, and very attractive. She would tell me that women have more power than men but they don’t know how to use it. She called it the power of the vagina. I’m not sure exactly what she meant by that but I have some ideas and I didn’t want to be manipulated by her so we broke it off after a couple of months. For years the word “feminist” scared me – largely because of this ex girlfriend – until a good sister in my ward explained to me that being a feminist just means standing up for all human rights, including women’s rights.
This bothers me. A lot. I have two daughters in college, one in an engineering major and one in pre-med and they are keenly aware of the uphill battles in front of them. The surprise for them has been that the majority of the sexist comments come from women in the church – not men. Oh there’s plenty of sexist comments coming from men in leadership positions (my pre-med daughter was reminded by our stake president that motherhood is more important than any job) but according to them the *mean* comments come from women. Also I’m more supportive of my daughters in their choices than my wife. It’s a dynamic I didn’t anticipate.
SamBee wrote:
Injury, death and PTSD are a lot less likely on a mission.
SamBee,
I hear you. My wife is decidedly unhappy with the idea of a military career but I’m ok with it – the opposite of our seminary views. He wants to go the ROTC route and have the military pay for a medical degree. He doesn’t envision being a bullet stopper but of course you never know with the military. Some branches of the military are more dangerous than others and some tracks within the military also more dangerous than others. We live near an Air Force Base and several pilots attend my ward so we see the glamorous side of it. It’s fairly likely he’ll change his mind once he learns more about it.
DarkJedi wrote:
I am for the most part opposed to early morning seminary as a relic of a bygone era. I understand there are people who love it, or at least say they do (having nothing else to compare it to). There is absolutely NO research to support that it’s good for teenagers to get up early and do this, while there is plenty of research to support that teens need more sleep and physically/mentally can’t get going that early in the morning. Educators have known this for years.DJ, this is my belief as well. I asked my stake president with whom I have a good relationship why there aren’t better options for high schoolers. He basically said other options are not provided by the AreaQ70. It sounds like stakes may not have much say over early morning seminary options.
Like DJ, SD, and others have said it’s quite possible that early morning seminary is counter productive and may ultimately drive many youth away. When I think about it too much it makes me sick to my stomach how the church makes decisions…
All – I appreciate the feedback, I was looking for other points of view or ideas I hadn’t considered and as usual this forum delivers. The consensus is pretty clearly to not force him which I agree with. The fact that my son verbally objects but isn’t actually hard to get out the door makes me think that perhaps he tolerates it more than I think. Or maybe he’s more afraid of me and my wife than I think he is. My latest idea is to consider letting my son miss more days with the idea that he will make them up later. One extra curricular that he participates in requires insane amount of time. I’m not sure about other stakes, but here most teachers are very liberal in allowing make-up work. In some cases comically easy about make-up days. My good wife is against the idea but she agreed to wait and see whether he objects more strenuously.
I agree with Mom3, his isn’t something we see much. I’ve never seen a local high up use a church building inappropriately. I have seen numerous family reunions at church which seems aligned with church goals. Weddings and receptions are free to both members and non members (yes I’ve seen two non members married in an LDS building). The BSA uses our building quite a lot and in my area the BSA is minority LDS. We seem to *want* other faiths to use our facilities which I think is great. We want to be good neighbors. I do know of two instances where bishops prohibited quinceaneras which to me is understandable because of Catholic and and big party undertones.
Where I live it’s quite normal for ward members to extensively loan and borrow keys for informal basketball or other gym games. Again that seems normal to me, not sure why it’s a problem if they are respectful.
Short answer – if done privately and if it doesn’t interfere with life then nothing wrong with it and it may be healthy if not surrounded by shame. More complicated answer – if an aroused husband has sex with a consenting but not aroused wife (eg she just lays there) it seems like he is using her as a masturbatory aid. I bet this happens a lot even for GAs. In other words depending on how you define masturbation probably most married men do it. I’d also argue that strictly speaking during foreplay most people masturbate themselves to some extent to get ready for sex. In other words every one does it.
It’s a completely undefined and unenforceable rule that unnecessarily stresses youth. It’s (weirdly?) one of my biggest peeves with the church.
I didn’t hear a single reference to ponderize in my ward or stake after the talk. I personally doubt that many quotes from Q70 will have true staying power – it would require coming from a more permanent Q15. To build off of Roy’s comments – I learn more about what’s happening in my ward from Facebook and Instagram than from my RS President. It’s amazing how much people will share on Facebook. Trip to the bar and the new favorite beer on tap, weekend with the boyfriend, how awesome you look in a bikini, your kid sitting on a toilet, your innermost desires for life. I’ve seen it all on facebook and I think people feel that it’s somehow anonymous even though it’s decidedly not. I try not to use it to judge but I definitely use it to take a pulse on what’s happening to ward members.
Also – one person’s underwear ad is another person’s pornography.
I have asked my family to be buried in a batman casket and batman outfit. Either that or a plastic bag because it doesn’t matter much. Crushes happen and are pretty common although it’s somewhat rare that much happens beyond flirting. My wife served a mission and she received at least 4 proposals and two of them were genuine on the guys part so they must have perceived some reciprocation. I’m pretty sure my wife was a huge flirt on her mission. The companions that I didn’t get along with we pretty much ignored each other as much as possible. Companions that I got along well with we talked about everything. Planning honeymoons, wondering about sex (one comp had a honeymoon planned that involved a bathtub full of jello), wondering if we had to have sex with garments on, lots of pranks and some really disgusting involving poop. Talked jobs, college, cars, really anything. My last companion and I played cards every night. One companion that I had struggled with masturbating and I knew way more than I wanted to. I suspect most did but were better at hiding it.
Native speaking companions were difficult because even if you understood the language nuances still didn’t connect. Finances could cause friction between native missionaries and gringos, who had way more money, even the poor Americans seemed incomprehensible wealthy to natives.
SamBee wrote:
All in all this is a good thing I think. Young men baptising young women? Well, you think our official missionaries never get crushes? I’m sure they do.
Of course they get crushes. Here’s the thing – my 17 year old daughter is sexually harassed literally every day by a 17 year old boy and member be of our ward. He hugs her every time he sees her, he talks about porn in a joking way, and he all around is a creep for her. The other adults in the ward adore this guy because he puts on a good show of righteousness but my daughter hates him.
I guarantee his happens in virtually every ward in the church. I’ve personally heard a Deacon say “I want to f### her brains out” while sitting on a temple bench waiting for his turn in the font while observing an girl being baptized.
“This happens everywhere” is not a good way to make policy. 16 year old boys are not emotionally mature enough to be spiritually intimate with girls. My daughter would have no recourse but to let herself be baptized by his creep. And yes it probably happens all the time with adults but it doesn’t make it right.
- Try to have a weekly date that nothing can interfere with. Turn off the cell phone and spend a few hours together and
