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Sounds like something that can apply to “mixed” couples- tbm and nom. I know my dh often points that out. How can I let 5% of him- the part that changed influence me so greatly or determine whether we stay together. Thank you George for your personal and tender story! My dh and I have been going through this change for almost a year and are going to see what the next 6 months bring. I can see it going the way you described, but I also see this as possibly life changing in the other direction. It is so hard not to want to control my surroundings and be around what is comfortable and acceptable to me. Hawkgrrrl- I appreciate your comments but do not know your story. I looked for an intro about you on this and other sites, but didn’t find one. Have you shared it anywhere?
Swimordie- did you and your wife see a therapist, or did she just read about codependency and figure things out on her own? Does she still go to church?
Thank you all for your stories and comments, they help so much.
In response to your questions, godlives, Quote:“Is it possible that HB lives this other life as a way to try it out and make sure he likes the change before creating a lot of issues in the ward? Also has this caused you to question your belief in the church as well?”
These changes in his life are not new to him since he did drink, etc. in high school. He does it occasionally and believes it is not harmful, but enjoyable.
Yes, I feel in some ways that the rug has been pulled out from under me. If you have seen the movie, “Doubt”, with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep- I am Meryl, the nun, and my husband is Phillip, the priest (although he is not having inappropriate relations with children!). He is forward thinking and I am traditional and suspicious. In an interview with the actors, Phillip explains the nun’s experience this way- it’s like building your life for 30+ years in a particular place only to look down and realize that it was on sand and the tide is coming in. I feel like that when my dh tells me the things he’s learned. I, though, want to have my own journey in my own time. I am going slow, reading on my own, trying to find what it all means for me.
Swimordie- I was wondering in what specific ways did your wife react to your change that was positive? When my husband drinks, I go a little crazy, ask too many questions, wonder what else he’s doing, become anxious and suspicious. How, if I was taught all my life that these things are wrong, do I let go and not let it bother me. Did she have those feelings, but just keep them inside around you?
How have you all as couples that are split as to beliefs keep it together? I never wanted to date or be with someone that drank, etc. How do I accept my dh when I don’t like the things he does. Not liking the way he puts away dishes is one thing, but the changes in his life I have been taught are very wrong and yucky to me. Am I shallow or close-minded?
If this topic is better suited for another blog, let me know. I am really interested in your perspectives, though.
I can’t express enough how grateful I am for all of you that so genuinely and thoughtfully post here. How do you find the time? I am in a low place emotionally, and I find a great deal of support from your experiences and advice. I agree that unconditional love is powerful. Like you talked about in another post, swimordie, I am reading about codependency. It is so hard to not let this change affect me, though. Some things that I was taught all my life to detest are now a part of my husband’s life. It is difficult to come to terms with this fork in our beliefs, lifestyle, and understanding. He does not judge me and all that he asks of me is that I not judge him. The tools that I would be used to using to deal with conflict are obsolete to him- scriptures, prayer, family, priesthood leaders… Oh, and we have good news. He is being released soon. This will definitely change the dynamics and give me a little more peace.
Yes, hawkgrrrl, it is one of those callings. I don’t think early thirties is mid-life. I am cautious not to be too specific because he has expressed concern about me posting our lives to the unknown, and he reads this blog sometimes, too. I just feel that we now speak two different languages and see the world through such different colored glasses. I am reaching out to see that I am not crazy in the way I think because sometimes our debates make me feel that way.
We have sought the help of a therapist.
Thanks, I have found support on faceseast- it has been a lifesaver, but I also find a lot of insight and support here. I was hoping to get a perspective on this subject that might come from some more like my dh. Being more specific, he drinks alcohol occassionally and uses tobacco. This is mostly done on business trips. Since he doesn’t believe in the temple, he only wears garments to please me and doesn’t wear them on trips, too.
Thanks for sharing your story swimordie. It is always comforting to see others going through the same experience and how they deal with it. It seems like you guys have a healthy relationship and way of working through this. How long has it been? How did your wife come to where she is now? Did she get help? I have been looking for a therapist for a while and just today set up a first appointment. If you can believe it, the therapist grew up Mormon, but is not practicing now. I am excited to get help with the way I think. It is enlightening to hear that I am codependent, Rix. I’ll look more into that. It will be nice to put a label on what I am feeling and finding solutions to dealing with it. I’ve just found that over the past 6 months, I don’t seem to be able to do it myself- even with long discussions with my dh. Swimordie- does your wife know about faceseast? Sorry for detracting from the main WOW topic…
Thanks so much for all your responses and support. I actually have been on faceseast and found great support there, too, in the past few months. I don’t want to get into too much detail here about my dh, but would love to talk to you, Kandy. Is there a way to send a private email? Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I did read that article and was impressed by the wife’s strength and ability to let go and let time work. My dh is not that extreme- he still enjoys the social aspects of church and his calling although his beliefs have changed. He believes this change in him will only make our marriage and life better. I don’t agree yet.
My dh is not an alcoholic. He even bought non-alcoholic beer to drink at home to make me feel better. In the past several months he’s only drank about once every month or two and not a lot. He argues that many people enjoy alcohol in moderation in the world with no negative effect. He leads a very healthy lifestyle with the way he eats and runs. He even gave up a diet soda when it started to give him headaches- so I hope to believe that he would treat alcohol the same and do it responsibly. Which he says he does.
So my question- is alcohol or tobacco all that bad in moderation? Is anything really all that bad in moderation? Like it was mentioned a few posts back so many people “follow” the word of wisdom but overeat, or live a very unhealthy lifestyle that may be worse than having an occasional drink. So am I overreacting to my husband? How do you change a paradigm that is so ingrained in you?
New here…I’m tbm dw working my way through life and dh’s disaffection. For some reason, probaby because of how I’ve been taught in a very strict tbm family, this is the topic (WOW) that is now bothering me the most. DH has a high calling in the church, but because of his historical research now interprets the WOW, and almost everything else lds, very differently. He thinks it is ok to have a drink or a few every so often- maybe once a month or so. He also thinks it’s ok to chew tobacco. He sees no harm in it, and that it has not changed him as a person. On the contrary, he feels liberated and happier. I on the other hand have become paranoid and have anxiety every time he does it or am anxious wondering what he’s doing or other things it can lead to. Part of that could be because he kept it from me and it was 6 weeks before I discovered that he had started to have a drink. We’ve agreed to keep it out of the house, but sometimes it seems to slip back in unawares… So my question is- how bad is it really to have an occassional drink and chew after the stress of the day or a hard day’s work? How do I get over my anxiety? How do I let go of my desire for him not to do it? He says he enjoys it and will not give it up. How do you get over the fact that your spouse’s now chosen lifestyle is one that you were taught to detest and stay away from at all costs? I do not want it to be a part of my life, but now I have to accept it. Even the smell or sight of it causes anxiety and repulsion in me because of how I was taught.
One of the things I loved about us was our common belief and now it is not there.
(we both have an alcoholic grandparent that have passed away- an argument that I’ve tried with him, but he says he’s responsible and not going in that direction)
I appreciate all your thoughtful posts and discussions. You all will never know how much they help…
