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I used to feel the same way. There is so much narrative in the church about accepting callings. And so much guilt and dread.

My wife and found out through some very difficult circumstances that the anxious feelings are rooted in the assumption that there is no possibility for controlling the outcome, because it ‘comes from God’. I won’t go into too many details, but through some very difficult interaction with a bishop, we jettisoned that part of our old rationale and that asserting the power to say yes or no, was absolutely emancipating, and removed the anxiety. In fact, we found that these kinds of feelings of helplessness in these and other situations were part of the roots of depression, and by using our inner strength and asserting our ability speak out and make choices, life in general has become a whole lot easier to deal with.

GOOD LUCK!!!

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I actually don’t think that modest is a good description of what we are trying to convey with the term. Any better terms out there?

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I have done both. I turned down a teaching calling, because I didn’t feel like I could honestly ‘testify’. At that time I chose to be very forthright with the bishopric counselor about the reasons. That may or may not be right for you, depending on what you think the repercussions might be. I have accepted other callings, such as ward chorister, that don’t make such demands.

The path is not easy, but one of the positives for me has been taking control of my life, realizing (my opinion) that the pressure of a ‘calling’ is something that is systematically brainwashed into us from a young age and is done primarily as a means of manipulation, and was something that caused a lot of unhappiness (aka feelings of powerlessness) in my life. By taking control of these situations, I have become a lot happier.

[silentstruggle]

I am actually looking forward to a day off, so no worries there. I am at a point that I am only active to provide stability for my teenage daughter, so a day to stay home without having to explain is good.

By the way, no one makes you go in for a discussion with the bishop. You choose to go in. I only figured that out last year.

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To confirm on the broadcast issue, we have had broadcast dedications for some time, just not on Sunday.

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Sounds awesome. I wish you had spoken in my ward on earth day. Our speakers talked about how evolution wasn’t true. Very little knowledge displayed; neither about evolution nor official church stance on evolution.

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Love the commentary here.

Now that I’ve experienced it, ‘falling away’ and conversely ‘coming back to the fold’ is much more complex than the metaphor that church members hear their whole lives. It’s generally assumed that sin is involved. It’s also assume that you can just come back the point that you were at before you ‘fell away’.

I don’t think you can reconstruct what you had before, necessarily. I know I can’t.

Also, this relates to Brian’s comments about relevancy, but until there is a place for people who will never be able to accept the binary truth (all true or not) paradigm and the mythology again, that they won’t be able to come back.

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Thanks “OON”.

I think I crossed the line and backed away though.

I am happy to report that I was able to walk through Temple Square on Friday Evening without waves of cognitive dissonance. First time in years.

Also, that I had a very nice time at church on Sunday. One thing about believing, is that I felt like I ‘belonged’ there, at least to some degree.

I think for me finally realizing that I can just believe, . . . in something . . . and that I don’t have to have a plausible rationale, was actually empowering. Also empowering is realizing that I can believe just what I want to and am comfortable with. I do hope it grows over time.

[silentstruggle]

Good questions. I’m not sure how much differently it will outwardly manifest itself. My bishop is aware of my struggles and some of my views. I don’t bear my testimony, because I don’t feel honest in saying ‘I know’, but that’s been that way for years. I fulfill some minor callings. I home teach and have some wonderful friendships through that. I have turned some bigger callings down for various reasons. First, I am a caregiver in a health situation at home, which is invisible to most of the world, but I have finally gotten comfortable in standing up to the ‘pressure’ or ‘perceived pressure’. I just know I can’t give the care I need to give and be there for a 10 hour a week calling. I also recently turned down a Gospel Doctrine calling for reasons more related to where my testimony is. I was very frank with the bishop’s counselor, and got an extremely understanding response, surprisingly. I just didn’t feel I could bear testimony of what I would be called to bear testimony on as a Gospel Doctrine Teacher. It’s a bit uncomfortable when I’m called on to give priesthood blessings.

Outwardly, I appear very mainstream, although I don’t always wear white shirts on Sunday. So, I really don’t think that people in my ward are going to view me any differently.

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Thanks Brian.

It has been hard won. But it is a better place to be.

I’m sure I’ll slip a bit, but so far, so good.

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Thanks Ray.

I think the conscious choice thing is really central. It HAS to come from within.

I have recently made great inroads against a swearing habit. I didn’t try to conquer it because of guilt, or a sense of what I was supposed to do. I finally just wanted to do it. Myself. Conscious choice. And it has been relatively easy.

One thing I know is that I no longer have the energy for bitterness, resentment and anger. It sucks the life out of me and does nothing positive for anyone. I need my energy for the most important things.

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I appreciate these thoughtful comments. Depression is an issue that deeply affects my family. We are dealing with some severe issues relative to meds and withdrawal from meds right now.

I don’t have much time to write right now, but I do think that some things in the church and in LDS culture, while perhaps not causing depression, tend to deprive us of tools to deal with many issues that could help.

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Mike, I had never thought of the virginity analogy. That is perfect!!

Doug, you’re welcome. I actually just wrote this up for me, as sort of a personal spiritual journal entry. I find it very therapeutic to put my thoughts in writing, and, as I’m getting older, the written word provides a handy storage mechanism.

And I understand the self-flagellation issue; having been doing that for a number of years how. I no longer feel bound by guilt to attend everything. I frequently skip Gospel Doctrine Class. Sometimes an empty, quiet chapel is the most spiritual meeting in the block.

I do find the idea of allowing that someone can believe something nutty or illogical or wrong and it’s okay. It’s a tool I hope to use to help me through the meetings.

This whole line of thinking is NOT where I expected to end up. It seems to be giving me a measure of peace however.

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You know, I am choosing activity for several reasons; the primary one being to provide stability for my teenage daughter. But I also love my ward and have a great many friends here. I also feel culturally Mormon in many ways still. I am not completely sure I will always be active, but I am choosing to be active now.

I think that everyone has to answer all of this for themselves.

[silentstruggle]

Well put Ray.

In my more common terms, it may help keep my head from exploding.

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