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Charity, Sister, I have been there, and am still right there with you. I am currently doing my best to be a tbm on the outside and support my husband and my children, but I have the same question as you…
Quote:“My next step it to try to figure out how to be authentic with my kids and family without my husband feeling like I’m “leading them astray.”
This is hard. It has gotten easier, but it’s still hard. Mostly, I keep my mouth shut, which kindof sucks. I try to speak up on cultural things, on scientific things, and leave the doctrinal things alone. There are a few things, like polygamy, that I’ve just outright said I don’t believe it. To be fair to my husband’s faith and the promises we made when we got married, I want our kids to have the choice to believe or not as they grow up. They can’t choose to believe if they’re not taught. So, even though I am not comfortable teaching them the gospel anymore, I try not to be negative and I let my husband teach what he feels comfortable with. I think that as they get older, things will become more obvious. Sometimes it feels unfair, and like I’m not being 100% honest. I’m still trying to figure this out. Even though I don’t express a lot of my doubts, I do try to teach my children that doubts are OK, and that they need to decide on their own what to believe and it’s OK to question. I also don’t ever say anything that I don’t believe anymore. That was actually hard at first, it was so automatic to bear my testimony. Over the last year or so, my husband and I have reached some understanding. We don’t discuss a lot of details, and we try to let each other choose what to believe and respect that. We have actually grown closer and more patient with each other, but it has been so hard, and there have been times that I didn’t know if there would be any way to work this out even if we wanted to. And there have been times when I didn’t want to. But, like everyone keeps saying, it gets better. We have made a point of looking for other activities and experiences to share with each other. The more time that goes by, the more authentic I feel about my life even if I don’t say everything I’m feeling.
I wish you lots of luck with this endeavor and I hope you’ll share how things are going, and if you have any insights for me. If you don’t mind me asking, how old are your kids? I have 4, ages 5-13.
One more thing – sorry this is long and rambling… but about feeling alone. I have felt that, too. I feel very fragmented in my friendships sometimes. I can talk to some friends about this, and some about that, but not everything to just one person. It takes some getting used to. I have gotten closer to some nonmember friends, and that has helped. It is nice to be able to break away from the church on occasion.
Take care.
Thank you so much everyone. You all have such good advice and it’s just nice to know others are going through stuff too. I just got home from work, and I have to get ready for relief society (which I really enjoy!), but I wanted to thank you all for taking the time to empathize with and counsel a total stranger. I think that I thought this would be easier – dh and I have always been so close & have a great marraige. It’s tough when we can’t understand each other, because usually even when we disagree we can see the other’s point of view. I don’t have faith in a lot right now, but I am trying to believe it will all be OK eventually.
I’ll keep you posted…
You probably don’t want to hear this, but I am a little jealous. Your husband is so supportive and understanding. You can talk about this stuff. I married young as well, have 4 kids, super-righteous parents, family, in-laws, live in Utah, etc. I don’t believe the church is true anymore, maybe some of it is, but we’re def not the one true church. I don’t know if there is a God, or if we can know such a thing. Anyway, for the past year, I’ve still been going to church and teaching primary every Sunday, teaching my kids, trying to talk to my husband, but it’s getting harder to keep up the life that we used to live. The hardest part is that dh went through a similar faith crisis a few years ago, didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about it, and came through with a stronger faith than ever. I honestly have no idea how he did that. He tries to be understanding, but I’m afraid that he’s mostly just waiting for me to get through this and come around to his way of thinking again. I don’t even know that I want things to change that much. I just don’t want to have to raise my own children with the level of orthodoxy that I was raised with, or that we were planning on when we got married. I feel like I’m so enmeshed in the church, it would be hard to leave completely (plus it would kill my parents), but I hope that if my kids don’t believe, that it will be easier for them to slip away. Am I a huge hypocrite or what?
Thanks for sharing your experiences MayB, it is helpful to see what others are going through as I navigate this huge life-changing transition.
I don’t know what to say, but I hear you sistah! I could’ve written this – except I’ve been married for 12 years. 
eman, I have had many of the same concerns! Looking at my life and habits and sacrifices in light of my new faith or lack of has changed everything. Things that mattered before, don’t as much now and vice versa. I don’t want to act selfishly or rashly. I want to be honest with myself and my motives. I want my actions to reflect what’s really in my heart, not just put on a show. I would like to pay less tithing, but would paying less tithing be a selfish decision, just for a 10% raise? Or a step towards getting out of debt? or refusing to support an institution I don’t believe in anymore? Do I want to stop wearing my garments because I don’t believe they are inspired – they were invented by Joseph Smith to mimic Masonic rituals, OR is it because they’re uncomfortable and it’s hot here, and I’d like to wear a tank top in the summertime? I’m not sure! I’ll be going around in circles for a while I’m sure. Thanks for the welcomes everyone. It is amazing how much better it feels just to know I’m now alone in this, not the only one who’s ever doubted, wondered, etc. Thank you also for the good advice. When I first started going through this (about a year ago), it did feel like a crisis, but the panicky feelings are calming down lately. I don’t feel the need to make dh read and understand every little thing I’ve learned, so that he has to deal with all this with me. Part of me wants that to happen, but I am realizing that I am the one who has changed, and it has been my choice to learn and discover what I have, and it is his choice to not be concerned with that stuff. I am becoming more content with feeling how I feel, and letting him continue to feel how he feels. It’s nice to find like-minded people though, because sometimes I want to shake someone & Does anyone else see this? Does anyone else care? But it’s getting better. I haven’t done anything rash yet. :clap: I am still fulfilling my calling in primary & supporting my husband in his calling in Young Men. I think the YM/YW programs and the scouting program were the start of my questioning. But, that’s for another discussion.Thanks!
Maybe you already gave your talk, but I noticed this thread because I have to speak about the Holy Ghost this Sunday. It is hard for many of the reasons you stated. Feeling good about something doesn’t seem to me to be a good way to know if it’s true or not anymore. I am trying to focus more of my talk on our actions, not just our feelings. John 7:17, “If any man will DO his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself.” Also, I plan on talking about the fruits of the Spirit in Galations 5:22.
