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First, I agree that it is not binary. Although I was raised to think in very black and white terms, so that is something I have to fight against. Example: recently when I decided not to renew my temple recommend, I was feeling like this also meant I shouldn’t wear my garments ever or have my calling, etc. A family member reminded me that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing like that. I can do what I am comfortable with right now and now worry about that looking different than what other people are doing. But my thinking for this post was more about how many people are in the gray camp? Are there really very many TBMs that genuinely believe it all? Discovering that someone I am very close to is basically an atheist while still appearing to be 100% TBM made me wonder more about it. I know everyone is on a different path and at different levels, but how many are in that true 100% believing camp? Not as many as I would have thought years ago, that is for sure. I was recently shocked to find out that only about 10% of people pay a full tithe. I knew not everyone would, but I would have thought that number would be way higher, like at least closer to the attendance level on Sunday.
As for your questions, Silentdawning, I see what you are saying. We don’t always reveal everything we are thinking to everyone. It just makes me a little sad to think that maybe everyone at church is putting up this front so that we can fit in, when really we could all be more honest about where we are at. For example, I think of people who are Jewish–they have so many levels of practice. Some are kosher, some aren’t, some attend synagogue weekly, some don’t. But they all can lay full claim to their heritage and roots and feel fully Jewish. I feel like as Mormons, if we step back at all, we are suddenly “less active” and really just “less” in other Mormons eyes.
Silentdawning: I appreciate your affirmation of my experience. I have found it is very common among those who have parents in the highest level of church service. Ann: Thank you for your spitballs! It is good to hear how others make it work. I am trying really hard to show up and be a part of things. You are pretty spot on about where I am right now. The only ones who know anything about my true feelings towards the church are my spouse and one close family member. For all others, I appear to be 100% true blue. I attend weekly with my family and serve in a ward presidency. I didn’t feel like I could honestly renew my recommend as I have moved from doubt to active disbelief. I am trying to take baby steps and not burn all the bridges and slam all the doors while still feeling like I am being honest. I enjoy my friendships and the social support that come from being LDS. I like the clean living lifestyle. I want my kids to have a tribe. I also feel like it was part of my marriage contract, and so as long as my husband is in, I will abide to our original agreement, as much as possible.
On that note, in a way, not renewing my recommend was probably also a signal to my husband. I have gone through periods of doubt in the past and come back around to a faithful place. This time has been different as I have felt that the desire to return has left me this time. I was having a hard time communicating to him that this likely wasn’t a phase, that this was probably my future. Making a more clear line in the sand was also probably to help him see that I am not in the same place. Happily, he is supportive and sees that it doesn’t really change me or our marriage.
More context: I am not upset with my husband. He did the best with the situation and he is a good man. He is loving and patient and has never devalued me or our marriage due to my faith issues.
Though I am naturally a private person, in this case I feel even more of a need to keep my cards close to the chest. First, our bishop (who met with my husband) is not very good at keeping his lips sealed. He specifically mentioned another woman in our ward with similar faith issues during their talk. I don’t want to be the topic of conversation in other people’s meetings. In addition, his wife is the ward gossip and I am not sure she wouldn’t hear everything my husband or I told our bishop. Silentdawning, you are right that there is an issue of trust and loyalty here.
Second, I am the child of a very high ranking church leader. I am sensitive to how others perceive me because of this. I don’t want to feel responsible for other people suffering from doubt because of my own personal beliefs. I have been taught from a very young age that I am an example to others because of my parent’s position and it is hard to deprogram from that. (Ironically, my experience with ‘seeing behind the curtain’ through my parent’s position has been the source of much of my faith crisis.)
And finally, I have seen what has happened to other non-traditional believers in my ward. You lose a lot of friendships and become a major project. I want to keep the status quo for now if I can.
I appreciate all the feedback. I have been reading on this site for…maybe 2 years. It has been useful as I have come into my new set of (un)beliefs.
