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My thought was — when they called him, did they ask you what you thought? If not, did your husband ask you what you thought?
No. I was out of town when the calling was issued, and I found out via text. There was a lot of lip service about wanting me there, but apparently there was a tight timeline.
Also, not feeling super positive about the whole thing today as they called me up to bear my testimony with no warning in Sacrament meeting. I probably should have realized that was coming, but it totally caught me off guard. I am a back row sitter and recovering shy person who has worked really hard to be okay with public speaking. I usually do okay now and frequently make comments in classes. But with no warning like that and being called out so publically I kind of freaked out. I made it through a really brief and halting testimony about Christ and had to hurry out of the room before I really lost it. The comments I received kept referring to what “more” I could have said. People were kind, but I can’t help but feel I also just outed myself to the whole ward as a person with a … complicated testimony …without meaning to. I guess this would qualify as one of those social expectations that I don’t feel equipped for.
The WofW is an interesting part of our church culture. Although I have some concerns around how we practice and enforce it, I am also really grateful for it. I think it instilled in me from a really young age the idea that God wants us to keep our bodies healthy. I am certainly not perfect, but that has shaped my approach to drugs and alcohol, but also other healthful life practices. One other thing that I have realized about myself as I have reflected on my reaction to this calling, is that I may be harboring a bit of jealousy as well. Not of the calling itself (no, thank you!), but of the community that my husband finds at church. When I was in the bishop’s office for the setting apart, it was very much a positive love fest between all of the men in the room–they all know each other well and clearly deeply respect one another. The blessings were thoughtful and meaningful. It was a really good experience for my husband. While I am looking for community elsewhere at this point in time, I still do have a deep, visceral longing for a spiritual home at church. Quote:From an optimistic point of view, perhaps this will put him in close proximity to others that may be struggling too. Due to his support of you, he could be a valuable empathetic resource to others, and this may in fact increase his empathy towards you as well.
Good point. I do think he has a lot to offer the ward…he has never been a super traditional member and isn’t afraid to speak his mind. For this reason, neither of us really expected him to get called into a bishopric. But it could be a really good thing in some ways.
I am feeling much more at ease about this whole thing so far, thank you so much for everyone’s support.
You all have some really good points. After some space and reflection (writing down my concerns did help some, thanks for the advice!) I agree that communication with my husband is going to be key. That is something we know we always need to work on, as neither of us are great communicators naturally. I will try to keep that at the forefront of my mind. I am currently happy in the calling department. I am one of a small handful of pianists in the ward and was just put (back) in as the primary pianist. Best calling ever, especially since my kids are in there. I don’t feel the need or desire to be perceived as a leader myself, but I also don’t want to be a liability for DH.
That being said, personal growth and service are 2 of my core values. Mom, I really appreciate your offer around more information about Just Serve. That is a function/program that I would very much like to be a part of. Maybe that is one way I could participate more actively without compromising my own needs. I haven’t heard much about the program in our Ward, maybe I will do some digging.
Thank you both so much. I have been pondering about this all day. Here is what I have come up with so far in terms of my specific worries so far. All of my concerns seem to fall roughly in 3 general categories. -Time cost for my little family. My husband and I have worked really hard to balance our work time and home time. My kids have really benefited from having him as a integral part of their daily lives, and I really want to keep that. I hope that you are right, DarkJedi, that this may not be as bad as I fear. Lovely well-intentioned people in the ward today offering their “condolences” and telling me that I will be a single parent didn’t really help fuel my confidence on this issue. But as I have thought about this particular aspect, I know that my husband does really value and prioritize his family time to a very high degree, and while I’m sure this will add a challenge, he has been scout master and/or YM president most of our marriage, so it shouldn’t be too much worse than that, right?!
-Relationship with my husband. This is one I am more worried about. My DH has been incredibly supportive of my faith journey, even though his perspective is very different. I am concerned that with dedicated service with a wonderful (and really traditional) bishop he is going to move towards more orthodoxy, and I feel myself going in the other direction…
-Social pressures. I attend church weekly and participate, but struggle to feel that I fit at church on the best of days. I typically avoid as many additional church activities as possible. I also no longer attend the temple. I have replaced these activities with a fulfilling job and work community, family activities, and am working on finding additional opportunities for service. With this approach over the past couple of years I have found a lot more peace, hope, and self-compassion. I am worried that with his new calling there will be expectations for me that I am not able to live up to while also maintaining this hard-won but still fragile balance of faith and mental health.
On the other hand, mom, you are right, it could be great to have a bishopric member’s ear for many reasons. Also, the introspection and desire to become better that I have seen in my husband just since he got the calling today are a bit new and unexpected (he is an amazing husband and person, just not always super into self-reflection), and I am a huge fan of anything that helps him develop and feel motivated to do what he feels is good and right.
Mom3, it sounds like you have multiple personal, impactful experiences that have colored your feelings about this. I am sorry for your pain. It sounds like we were at the same conference! I agree that there were lots of good things said, even things that I really needed to hear today. And then… I had a really similar reaction when this “plan” was introduced. Like a punch in the gut. I was glad it was dark in the room so the people around me couldn’t see my probably-stormy expression. It did also bother me that this seemed to be about only priesthood holders with the occasional added afterthought of “their families”. Honestly, I kind of tuned out at that point as well, trying to hold on to the messages of love and Christ. Also, my kids spilled their box of gel pens that clattered all over the gym floor right on cue. Sometimes it’s convenient to have a pint-sized distraction. Processing this afterwards, I am feeling just a bit more charitable, though I still do and always will loathe the friends-with-an-agenda thing. I can see that for many LDS, much of my family included, the gospel truly does bring joy and peace. It would follow that it would be a Christlike desire to help bring that joy and peace (back) into someone’s life. From that perspective, why wouldn’t someone want that in their life? It is a great blessing and the way to exaltation! Our church, and many good souls within it, are often just not great with nuance and complexity.
Also on the up side, if members take the message to heart and truly do try to befriend those who have left, maybe our collective ability to understand and love people with different experiences and perspectives can be broadened. I can dream, right?!
Thank you for chiming in Roadrunner! I totally hear you and am glad you and your wife have been able to arrive at a compromise that works for you. For now, I am planning on continuing to raise my kids in the church. It is so simple for them when they are little. And I try to emphasize the things that I have faith in. When my 8 year old was really little I remember thinking that I would have my own beliefs under control by the time she had more questions and understanding. Ha! Sometimes it seems she is getting bigger at light speed. nibbler wrote:I hate to break it to you but we’re strange too.
Isn’t that the truth!!
Roy, you also make some great points. I do need to give my husband some extra love and attention
Thank you again everyone for your responses and advice! I have a lot to ponder. I am realizing as I am thinking about everything that I have been juggling this discomfort for a most of my life to some extent, and I am feeling really tired of being stuck in this place. Keeping everyone else happy, but negating my own thoughts, feelings and experiences in order to do so. Maybe as Silent Dawning said it is the same in most religions. I guess I just feel like I wish I felt free to find out for myself. I have done a lot of book learning about other religious traditions, and attended church with a few friends, but I don’t think it is the same as practicing /living a religion. That being said, I like the clean living of the Mormon tradition, and I do believe in Christ and the power of his teachings. So that is what I choose to focus on right now in my life and when I am teaching my girls.
Thank you for your thoughtful replies! It is new to me to be open, and I will have to work at it, I think! I think you are both right that there is a lot of good to be gleaned from the church in raising kids. I hope that I can keep focusing on those aspects and teach my girls in a way that feels authentic and that can grow with them. My oldest just got baptized as well! AmyJ, I loved your idea for your baptism talk and am glad it went well. My daughter was glowing on her special day and I felt that it went well (phew!). She is starting to have so much more insight and to pose interesting questions. I hope that I can find adequate responses…
And Dark Jedi, thanks for the advice re:dates. We haven’t gone to the temple together in ages. Though we live by one, my husband isn’t the pushy type. I just know that it has started to bother him. We are working on finding ways to build our relationship, and dates we both enjoy are always a good thing for us
