[weissadler]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and guidance. I’ve decided not to say anything to my parents. I’m the oldest of 5 boys. We all got our eagles and we all served missions except for the last one. And he told me that my kind hearted always loving mom told him he will be going to hell because of this decision. He has sense gotten married, but not in the temple. Last year he found out that he has several spots of skin cancer that have been removed. Twice now my mom has said that if he was an active member and wore his garments he wouldn’t have cancer. Even though most of the spots that needed to be removed were on his feet. Personally I found that rather hard. So I am very fearful of how my parents would react to my true feelings about the church. My dad is as dogmatic as it gets. I guess what’s hard for me is feeling like I’m living a lie. But also feeling that living a lie would be easier than letting others know. The church also teaches to stand for something and part of me feels like I’m being cowardly in quietly living one way but thinking another. But I do think I can walk the fine line of choosing what lessons to teach or changing wording to fit my beliefs, ie. changing “know” to “believe”. But I also need to get over my feelings of hurt. Of feeling deceived.

I’m still on the fence about talking to the bishop. It’s complicated in that next month I’m suppose to baptize my daughter. My wife knows of my lack of faith and questions wether it is ok for me to perform the ordinances. I personally feel God would not withhold the Holy Ghost from my daughter because of my lack of faith and I also feel he would inspire me to say what should be said during the blessing part. My wife is torn about me talking to the bishop because his wife is best friends with my mother-in-law and my wife is concerned that if the bishop says something to his wife then it would get back to her mom. Ah, the joys of being mormon!

I agree that if I am active on this forum and met a few of you in person that could be all the therapy I need.

[weissadler]

Thank you for your comments. I already feel comforted in communicating with others out there like me. I look forward to learning from others who share their experiences and growing through contributing to this forum.

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