[wendell]

Thank you all so much for your “words of wisdom” (can I say that?). Coming here is one of the highlights of my life, and getting such genuine and caring responses is a great thing. I must say that I get energized to keep going on from some of the encouragement I get from all the wonderful caring folks on this board. It’s really a good thing to share a little of our journeys through life together…even anonymously for the most part. Anyway, thanks so much for everthing.

[wendell]

Rix wrote:

Wendell my friend, I hurt with you. I understand the circumstances, but it still hurts. I’m going to be direct about a few things, and hope I won’t offend some here. You were raised being told you were broken (in fact, weren’t most of us???). You had feelings that you weren’t supposed to have…and for most of your life you were told, and to an extent, you believed, you were not worthy. It seems you are making great strides towards healing from that most damaging attitude…and of course, I applaud you for it.

Good luck my friend…and let’s keep working on the “personal worthiness” piece!

That is exactly what I am trying to do – keep working on the “personal worthiness” piece of life. It is actually getting a lot easier by the day. I’m sure it will continue to improve.

[wendell]

George wrote:

Boundaries, or the lack of them, among LDS people… Sorry you had to receive such a telling letter, Wendell.

I would write back (briefly), and thank her for her concern. Suggest that you can’t imagine what her dear son would think of your present situation, but that somehow you feel if he were living, he would still be a unconditional friend. Then immediately go into the Mother’s Day event, remembering the attributes of her son, and what his friendship meant to you. Perhaps share a few old memories of good times past. End your short note by thanking her for bringing his name to your psyche again, that though he has become dust, he lives in the memories of loved ones and friends.

You have moved the conversation away from a boundary which isn’t any of her business, and reminded her of the day we celebrate tomorrow, with it’s call for unconditional love.

What an incredible idea. I will do exactly that tonight! I appreciate the idea so much. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Wendell

[wendell]

Brian Johnston wrote:

I think my experience was better and more positive because it was a decision that I completely made on my own (I had nobody else to blame but myself when things were hard or discouraging).

What a wonderful view. I have never thought of things in that manner before. You just made my day. Thanks for sharing.

Wendedll

[wendell]

bridget_night wrote:

Hey Wendell,

Bridget here. Sorry, I have not kept in touch. We are in the middle of packing and trying to move to Florida. Plus, I have been really sick and stressed out as well. I do understand the introspective time you have been going through. I have been doing the same in my own personal life. It’s interesting how difficult it is to do the ‘seek first to understand and then be understood’ thing. It is so typical of active members in the church to believe that if they just point out all the wonderful things about the church and gospel, that you will see the light and come around. Instead they should be asking you what has bothered you about the church and what you are going through. It’s just to painful for them and they also don’t want to hear it for fear it might rock their own boats. It wasn’t that long ago that my sister told me how upset my dad was when I left the church for a while about 15 years ago. My dad was so shook up and crying, asking my sister how this could happen when he thought he had raised me to have a strong testimony. The problem was that my dad had dedicated his life to doing genealogy and temple work and if the stuff I had shown him that had shaken my faith were true, then all his years of work would have been in vain. I admire you for keeping it all to yourself for so long and being so patient with your family. I know how members and family get though when you upset them. They become accusatory and that you must be doing alot of sinning to have lost the spirit so much. This IS so awful and I can imagine how much this must have upset you. So, much anger builds up over time and sometimes we just have to let it all out. It’s like a time bomb and the explosion is an ugly mess. I hope that there will be perspective in time and that people will try to understand each other better.

That is my favorite thing about this forum – everyone here has similar stories/situations to deal with. I love the humility on display here.

Thanks so much my dear friend,

Wendell

[wendell]

Rix wrote:

Okay, therapist hat on….

Wendell, my dear friend, consider the possibility that you are going through the stages of mourning…mourning your previous paradigm of life, purpose of life, “traditional Mormon family” life, and the status of all your relationships. Kubler-Ross described the stages of mourning the death of a close friend, but many have utilized her paradigm to include the transition one makes when making a major life change.

You are certainly doing that.

Of course in the end, it is you. It is your new journey. After the mourning, life will be normal and happy…most of the time. But until then, you will have bouts of denial, anger, sadness, doubt and reconsideration…and this is all a natural part of the process. Keep talking to people, keep expressing your feelings — they are neither right or wrong, they just are. The tears are like “blood-letting,” allowing the old to be replaced by the new.

Let us all be your sounding board. Many of us have been through similar pain and understand much of what you are feeling. Your true friends make no judgment about you. We love you no matter what.

Take care, my friend!

thank you my dear friend. You are a wonderful man with TONS of incredible advice.

[wendell]

MickFinn wrote:

Of all the things you could and do doubt, throw away the part about you being a bad father. That doesn’t even flirt with being true.

I have been told my entire life that the only good Fathers are ones that do things EXACTLY the way that the Wendell’s do, so it’s tough to realize that being different would ever allow me to consider myself a “good Father”. Thanks though, and I am working on believing it.

[wendell]

I just love Louis L’Amour books – I spent many hours reading dozens of them while milking cows in a cold dairy barn in Idaho. I love that quote you shared, and have really come to realize that the passing of time definitely does help to make things seem less critical or awful. The old adage, “time heals all wounds” is quite true as I have learned over the past year or so. Thanks for posting.

[wendell]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. As you can all imagine, it has been an exceptionally tough couple of days for me, but I am starting to come to terms with some of it. I am going to sit down and write my Dad an e-mail sometime soon and share my feelings with him. I will let you know how it goes. Thank you all so much,

Take care,

Wendell

[wendell]

Thanks to you all for your kind words. While I do have problems with ALOT of church members, it is so refreshing to know how truly Christian some LDS people can be. I continue to learn so much from so many of you. Thanks again.

Wendell

[wendell]

Welcome. I look forward to learning more about you. This site has made me a completely different person than I was just 6 short months ago – hopefully it will help you as well. All of our journeys are different, but very similar as well. Good luck with yours. Thanks for sharing.

Wendell

[wendell]

Old-Timer wrote:

Thanks, wendell, for sharing that.

Of course, you know that I hope (deeply and sincerely) that you are able to find yourself and your own true core in such a way that you can return to activity with and in the LDS Church – but you are correct that it simply must be your decision to make.

Ray,

Thank you so much for responding – I wasn’t sure anyone would.

I appreciate the support.

[wendell]

Several years ago, I started answering that question in this way:

Bishop, I don’t think I can give you a definite NO to that question, but I do support the leaders of the church. It usually turned into a discussion about what the question was actually saying, and the two of us would end up mostly agreeing, but I’ve never felt good about it. It never prevented me from getting a TR, but I always thought it might.

[wendell]

RebelProperty wrote:

Have any of your leaders made you their project?

I have been a pet project on many occasions. My favorite pet project story happened to me about 10 or 12 years ago. One evening, the EQ president called to talk. He told me that he and his counselors had been fasting and praying for me because I was inactive, and felt comfortable enough to tell me that he had received inspiration that he should call me. The EQ president told me how he regularly saw me at Sacrament meeting, but not EQ, and wanted to know if there was anything he could do to help me start attending.

Well…after listening to him for a few minutes, I politely thanked him for caring, and for doing his duty. Then I said, “Fortunately, I am not in need of your fasting and prayers because I haven’t missed church in more than 2 years – It’s just that I teach Primary and cannot attend EQ”.

His response was classic – “Oh, I’m sorry, is this Brother Jones?”

I said, “No, this is Brother P…”

He came back with, “Oh, I must have dialed the wrong number”.

I became a bit defensive, and told him it was okay but that he didn’t lie about it. Then I hung up the phone fully expecting him to call back immediately and apologize, but I never heard from him again.

I love being a project…especially when I don’t need to be.

[wendell]

I feel for you and your husband so much – even more than you could possibly imagine. This is definitely one of the most difficult things any person could ever deal with, and I am so glad you still love and support him. Being a victim of abuse, and then having to deal with SSA is EXCEPTIONALLY tough, as I know very well. There are no easy answers, but I will tell you that most Bishops and Stake Presidents offer very little if any help in this area. Some of the greatest help that I have gotten has come from a few wonderful people on this board. Thank you so much for taking the time to write here, and please continue to do so.

Wendell

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