[wendell]

Tom Haws wrote:

Can you just tell the insurance clerk you are having night terrors that prevent you from sleeping, and would like to find a good mental health professional? I think that would be enough for the insurance company. Would it be possible for you?

Thanks, that might work. Hopefully that will be enough for them to approve the therapy. I will do whatever I can to call them first thing in the morning. Putting it off isn’t going to help. Thanks to all of you for the advice.

[wendell]

Heber13 wrote:

Anyone heard from Wendell? Just wondered if he made the phone call today or if there have been new developments.

Wendell, you hanging in there?

Thank you for asking. I really planned on calling yesterday, and I even prayed for help and guidance, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The most difficult part is calling the insurance company for preauthorization. Telling some data-entry clerk some of these issues I am dealing with is exceptionally demeaning to me. Hopefully I can find the strength to do it on Monday. It’s going to be another long weekend. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

[wendell]

Old-Timer wrote:

Get professional help no matter what it takes. Insist on it, and don’t let it drop.

I really don’t have more than that, but I have it in spades.

You are exactly right, and believe me, I have tried. It’s a very difficult thing to do for me to do. My anxiety and feelings of inadequacy/insecurity spike exceptionally high when calling to make an appointment. It may be hard to understand, but many of the issues I have are the very things that make it so incredibly difficult to do what I need to in order to get help. Just writing on here today was pretty darned tough, and calling a stranger to ask for help is doubly hard. I am going to do everything i can to force myself to call tomorrow. Thanks for the advice.

[wendell]

It’s not easy to talk about, but I guess I can tell you a bit about my hatred for sleeping.

It all began when I was about 7 or 8 years old. Up until then, I never had any issues at night whatsoever. Anyway, I would go to sleep, but would have some terrifying dreams…I mean absolutely terrifying. They were frequently about doing terribly awful things that I didn’t even understand. I can’t really discuss them right now as I get exceptionally emotional just thinking about it, but suffice it to say I was incredibly scared. I have never been able to easily distinguish between my dreams and reality, and still can’t to this day, but I knew it was not possible for me to do those things that I was doing in my dreams.

Due to these dreams, I would have this incredible guilt for “sins” that I never committed. That part was tough enough to deal with, but what started happening when I was about 10 was way worse. I would be asleep, and be having one of my dreams, when suddenly I would wake up, but be completely unable to move…and I mean completely unable. I felt as though I was going to die from the fear of the dream and the evil feelings in my room.

I would be trying to control my body, but I was not able to do so. Just as soon as I felt like I could no longer breathe, I would hear something and then my head would start turning towards the door of my room. I absolutely could not control this movement at all. It was very slow, methodical, and scary. To make a long story short, there would be someone standing in my room…an exceptinoally evil person who would stand there and stare at me. I could not close my eyes or look away. Sometimes I would hear voices saying bad things, and I always assumed it was the devil, or one of his servants, but I have never been sure. I have no clue how long this would last, but I know for sure it was not a dream. I would try to pray, but it was too scary. It would eventually end, the person would leave, and I would just lie there shaking with fear until morning. I learned quickly that praying for these things to not happen seemed to make them occur more often, so I wouldn’t do it.

This happened somewhat regularly throughout my youth, and I tried to talk to my parents about it, but they simply did not believe me. I became terrified of my room and Mom and Dad ridiculed me for it. (I have never had a good relationship with my parents) My bishop told me I must not have repented for something I had done, but I knew he was wrong. When your parents and church leaders don’t believe you, it makes you question your worth in this world. My testimony of the gospel is based partially on this experience if that makes any sense. I became very depressed, withdrawn, and filled with anxiety.

Anyway, this still happens to me today, but I am more able to deal with it by realizing it will be temporary. I still don’t pray for it to stop, and I would never tell my church leaders. The feelings of fear, and my tearful response to it are still so bad that I don’t talk about it much, but I just refuse to sleep unless I absolutely have to do so. I never fall asleep before 3 and I get up no later than 5:30. This is not healthy, but I am 41 years old and terrified of something I still to this day do not understand. It had been happening with more frequency, but seems to have slowed down since I quit going to church. All I can say is that I am absolutely positive this is real and I am not some nutjob schizophrenic. It has happened, it does happen, and I know it will happen in the future.

[wendell]

I appreciate your response. Actually, I didn’t mention my issues with the church too much, but in fact, I really struggle with several things about the church. It’s just that my life is in such disarray right now that even attempting to address my issues with the church seems secondary. As I said, I have a testimony of the gospel, but to me the church is NOT the gospel. Basically, I used to attend meetings to please my wife and have some social connections for my kids. In all reality, I do not enjoy the church at all. I know it may not make sense, but it is way way way too tough for me to explain very well. I have always felt like the church should be a respite for people, but it has never been that for me. It feels like I am being judged at every turn for any decision I make. Anyway, the church is a take it or leave it thing with me right now. I would love to feel included, needed, and wanted there, but I simply don’t.

I don’t know if divorce is the answer either, but staying married is definitely not. I am completely lost and feel like I have no other choice right now.

Sleep deprivation is tough, but some truly terrifying things happen to me during the night. I hate sleeping.

My finances are not really a mess. My wife works about 10 hours per week, but she refuses to do more than that. I work as much as I do in order to allow my kids to develop their talents. They are all exceptionally gifted athletes in an expensive sport. If God did not want them to develop their talents, then why did he give them to my children? We are very very frugal and we get by on the bare minimum most of the time, but it is expensive to keep them doing what they love.

Anyway, thanks for your response. I appreciate it.

[Author]

Posts