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Late to the party, but still, welcome to the forums! I don’t think we ever truly finish forming our beliefs in life. Like others have said, it’s good to keep it evolving as more information and life experiences gather around you. A lot of the “bad examples” of the culture you’ve seen are often the results of people being taught certain set-in-stone cultural beliefs and being unwilling to change and evolve them. Be open to the idea that you’ll never 100% finish figuring out the details of your beliefs, but you can at least decide what you value today and live your life accordingly. 
Hey there! I’m late to the party, but welcome to the forum! You’re certainly not alone in feeling disenfranchised about the church; just the other day, one of my still-active friends who actually works at the Church Office Building went on a rant about all the issues with the current church culture and leadership, and she isn’t alone among my friend group. I’ve since made peace with where I stand in believe (or rather not believing or practicing) this particular religion, but I greatly respect the folks on this board, since they helped me out through my really rough faith crises and transition, and I hope this place can be just as helpful for you! Thanks, everyone! I’ll certainly drop in here and there now that I’m settled in a place to live and with a nice job. To answer the mission questions, I had a really weird mission. Honestly, the main reason I completed my entire mission was because I was very much needed there; in most missions, the mission president’s wife is in charge of missionary health, and as you know, most mission president’s wives are not medically trained professionals. And in a third-world country like that, 18- and 19-year-old boys and girls do not often get the medical attention or help they need as a result. I made a difference for the good in someone’s life every day I was out there; it was what kept me there until the end.
But it was definitely made easier due to having unlimited personal access to the internet at all times, haha. I started taking advantage of it more and more the longer the mission got. I was pretty NOM for the first half or so of my mission, mostly because I was with some pretty spiritual but overall pretty great companions. I was careful not to testify of anything I didn’t particularly believe in, and when I came to something I had personal problems with, I gave the facts as well as I understood it and made sure they understood. But then, after a brief transfer with a sick companion who was kind of a diva, I ended up using the internet more out of boredom, and that NOM stage went away pretty quickly after I started hanging out in the Exmormon subreddit.
Once that started, the way I was doing my mission started to change, too. I took advantage of every little opportunity to casually get my companion to enjoy the area with me. We’d get ice cream or the local favorite foods (it was always my mission every transfer to try every bakery in the city). We’d take a break to explore shops. I brought my camera everywhere and took pictures of whatever cool thing we came across. During one companionship with a companion who is 100% comfortable with long silences, because she hates small talk and she can’t control conversations with super talkative people (which was everyone in that country), she and I would talk privately about how she needed to learn to control conversations as a general life skill, and then I’d have fun sending the people we visited off on some of the strangest conversational tangents about the country or something in the country I was curious about and wanted to learn.
When we did go out with the limited time I had to proselyte, our time either had to be scheduled blocks where we would go down our really long list of addresses my companion dug up from the area book to find new investigators or at least clean that sorry set of papers up for the next companionship, or we had to have set appointments with people who wanted to listen for whatever reason. Most of my companions were pretty chill with visiting a lot of less actives or inactives or trying to “strengthen” active families. But of course we’d get occasional investigators, which were a mixture of people bound and determined to join the church for one reason or another and people who really just needed someone to talk to or a place to belong. During those investigator lessons, I was careful with what I said and honest if they had questions; I made sure they knew the requirements and long-term expectations of the church, and I taught a lot, again, with my personal experiences. For example, I never recited the first vision or testified Joseph Smith was a prophet; instead I briefly summarized the story (unless my companion managed to get it in the first vision there) and instead focused more on the moral being that god is listening, and that many times, things will happen in our life when they need to happen, so long as we are actively trying our best.
I don’t know if I would have been able to finish my mission if it weren’t for the fact it was already inherently structured to be weird. There were a couple times when my anxiety and panic attacks and trouble with communication got to the point I almost went home; and by almost went home, I meant the mission president was aware and more than willing to put in the request and have me home in a couple of days. It was really rough during those times; I’ve learned now that I am 100% better mentally and emotionally when I live alone with no one more than a cat or two. Otherwise, I get too easily overwhelmed and am prone to anxiety and panic attacks.
During those times, I relied heavily on the internet I had to contact my best non-Mormon friends back home, and they helped talk me out of the deep ends. I also started learning to communicate openly and bluntly with people, including the mission president, when things started to get bad again, so we could change things up; I’m lucky I had such a great mission president, in that respect. And I’m lucky I had the opportunity to develop my communication skills so well.
So…yeah, I did things my way because I’d already set it up so my mission would be different and unexpected. But I guess there are always ideas that can be applied across the board. Just gotta look at the situation.
Quote:I don’t find a need to go back and re-write my prior experiences. What was real to me at the time, is a part of me and my life.
I sometimes get stuck in that stage where I reassess and try to explain away and discount past experiences. It never occurred to me that it’s okay to accept them as real to my past self…it’s progress without throwing past self under the bus or dismissing the significance and effect these past experiences had. Thanks for that.
Quote:Also, dismissing previous experiences often leads to dismissing other people and their experiences, and that result does not appeal to me.
I’ve noticed that with some atheists who have left religions. Atheism itself can be empowering, but sometimes the people who ascribe to it, like any belief system, discount the things that seem opposite. And I never want to be at that dismissive point, so that’s a great thought, thanks for sharing. I’ve always loved that level of supernatural/spiritual unknown and faith.
I have recently come to define perfection as it is seen in nature — I can look at a mess of clouds with a dozen different colors from the sun setting over an uneven horizon of mountains on a warm winter day and think how perfect it is. Perfect can be a beautiful mess of things so long as it gives you that “take my breath away” feeling. I’ve seen many breathtaking sunsets since then, but each is different in its own way. There is no one, true perfect sunset, and their individuality makes them as awe inspiring as they are. I don’t have much of a testimony in a literal Christ at the present time, but many of the examples and teachings attributed to him seem as perfect as the sunset — not because everything was placed into proper order with no faults whatsoever, but because I appreciate them and feel there could be a lot of good feelings all around if we were better at following his example in appreciating individuals for being individuals rather than conforming them to rigid and strict ideals.
As things are now, the church has built up so many lists of attributes that their version of a one true sunset must have that it’s perfect in the way something manufactured is perfect as it is repeated over and over and over…
Christ didn’t have a long list of perfect sunset attributes to hold up to everyone. Just the basics. And what other people did with those basics determined whether or not they became a beautiful mess.
In that sense, the church is the type of perfect you’d see manufactured at the latest new smartphone showcase. So sure it’s perfect, until the next latest advance in how many pixels and how much battery life you can cram into a reasonably sized and weighted scratch proof body. I’d rather go with people and all their crazy shades of sunsets.
Quote:Interesting thought. I think it has something to do with confidence. … If we feel more confident with where we currently stand in the eyes of god then we may feel more confident that god is speaking to us.
For some reason, that really clicked something in my thought process. I don’t know how to articulate it, but it seemed to make the issue in my mind a little clearer. Confidence has an incredibly effect on perception, and when we think we are following all the rules, our confidence increases. Thanks a lot.
Quote:Now, I have felt completely void of the spirit at times in my life when I have just been angry, acted “violently”…
The more I’ve listened to people’s experiences, particularly experiences if those who left the church or those in other churches, there’s a common thread in that negative emotions shut down whatever the Spirit is and positive emotions bring it out. I assume that has something to do with how the brain is wired to process anger; it bypasses reason and logic, which likely plays into the perception of the Spirit talking to us (or otherwise as you said, the anger bypasses the part of our brain associated with “good judgement).
On another entirely not scientific note, I sometimes aimlessly wonder if the Spirit is a single individual (God) or a group of individuals characertized as one body (like loved ones who have passed on).
Thanks, all, for helping me through this thought process with your own thoughts.
I’m glad I can come here and get such a great variety of viewpoints. Really, can’t tell you all enough how grateful I am for this forum. Most of the spiritual experiences I’ve had and have heard about seem easily explained by the complexity and wonder of the human brain. I’ve also felt the same sensation as the typical Spirit in a variety of locations, often with music or theater productions. And then there have been the very infrequent but strangely powerful and unexpected moments on which my belief in some sort of other source is built. And it sounds like we’re all kind of balancing between those three, some less and more than others.
Quote:I think because of these 3 things…we sometimes mix things up, and can’t exactly know which is which.
I think that kind of sums up where I am. I believe that the true communications with the Spirit, whatever it is, are rare and far in between. I guess that’s why I can’t bring myself to consider going full ex Mormon. And yet I can’t bring myself to go full obedient to everything Mormon.
This middle road is tricky business.
Also I should note that mission rules are radically different depending on the mission and the mission president. Like night and day sometimes. Really just the luck of the draw. Shh, don’t tell anyone I’m on here. You know, mission rules and all. 
A little more than halfway through my mission now, and I thought I’d drop by. Lo and behold, a mission topic! Basically, I lucked out big time. My current mission president is amazing. But he came right after a mission president who pushed numbers like no other and even went so far as to bribe the missionaries to get an insane amount of baptisms by promising a “free day” if the number was reached. Lots of really depressing baptism horror stories from that, the type my companions tell in low voices with shaken heads. We’re still dealing with the aftereffects of that era. Seriously appalling. So yeah it’s luck of the draw with mission presidents.
On another note, I have now watched a lot of my dear missionaries go home for everything from mental health to knee problems (two top reasons they go home early). I lived in the same house as one sister who had daily panic attacks for several changes until it got to be too much for her. Talked for hours on end with elders in extreme distress and just wanted/needed someone to talk to, who told me that they wished they hadn’t come, that they knew they shouldn’t have come, but they didn’t want to disappoint their brother or father or be left behind when all their friends had already gone. And I’ve had the calls right before they board their planes to go home, sick and depleted, to thank me and wish me the best with not a word of complaint for their lot. I have been blessed with such a unique perspective of the mission. I get to see so many different sides of my missionaries, who are close enough to my age that they’re like my younger siblings, my friends. And when one has to go home early, I want to go home with them to stand up in their wards and stakes and tell people that don’t they dare judge them for coming home before their 18 or 24 months, because the numbers don’t matter, only the effort. And wow, how some of them have put in their full efforts.
My mission has not been the best 8 months (so far) of my life. I don’t want it to be. But it has been some of the most difficult and soul searching and personally progressive 8 months of my life, and I attribute that to being not a normal missionary and coming out here as the underdog with a faith crisis and a lot more years of experience. I came out here looking for the reason that God wanted me to be here, after telling Him a dozen times that I was not in the least qualified and I was too old and cynical, and I found what I didn’t know I was looking for a million times over. But it was what I needed, personally, me. It was a decision I made for myself. I wish elders were more encouraged to go through the same soul searching process. Although I lucked out and had a small MTC district filled with elders who did go through that process. But story for another time.
Basically, I’ve been lucky. I don’t know what I did to deserve it. And I’ve seen and heard from those who weren’t lucky, who had some pretty terrible experiences. And I know that both types and all types in between exist out there, and I wish we could have that discussion more openly and more frankly in the Church. And maybe one day we will.
I want the culture to change. Everytime I think of “my” missionaries, the ones who went home before reaching the golden numbers, and how some people are judging them without even knowing how many tears we cried and prayers we offered and treatments and phone calls we made trying to help the ones who wanted desperately to stay and support the ones who knew they had to go
…it sucks. Many members say they believe God has a special plan for everyone, but when the plan doesn’t follow the checklist, it’s auto assumed the person done messed up. Sad to hear coming from people who believe God knows each of us personally and what we need in our lives, even if that isn’t the golden number.
When I go home, I won’t be looking exclusively for an RM. I’ve seen my fair share of missionaries who got their golden number and went home the exact same person as before their missions. And then there were the ones who gave it their all and changed so much for the better and became the type of adults I would respect in any setting, and they went home before their given expiration date. Like the Church, the goodness is down to the person. No titles or numbers or cool stories will ever amount to more than what a person is in the inside. You’re always going to find the good if you look for it.
But hey, you know what, let your testimony crumble. Let it fall and explode and release all the tension trying to hold it together. If a building crumbles, it’s better to tear it down and build anew. Sort through the pieces, find the best parts, and build it up newer. A little better. And if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone somewhere is judging one of my dear missionaries who never reached that golden number, or a young man who’s almost 26 and ducks his head when someone asks when he’s going to put in his papers because they don’t know how much he’s struggling, please stand up for them. The culture won’t change any faster if we don’t give our part of it a push.
No advice, just some random insight. OCD and perfectionism is a huge issue in the mission field that leads to regular mental health issues with these young missionaries. In general, mental health issues are the number one reason we send kids home. It ties back to that ideal discussed in some other threads. We are taught an ideal from the very first church experience, and when we don’t match it, we fear that we have failed. Perhaps you can consider discussing ideals and how there are no true universal ideals.
I remove myself from the situation. If I am alone, I can give myself time to calm down without escalating it. I do tend to escalate it in my mind for a minute to a few minutes, but eventually, I often see how ridiculous it might be to be that angry, and I calm down and can go face the issue. Being alone can be as simple as locking myself in the bathroom for a bit. If that’s not an option, I try to distract myself with other things. No, is an independent film, but the trailers have been running regularly on the BYUTV channel, so I take that as an encouraging sign. Interesting. I saw the trailers for this being broadcast alongside General Conference this past month, but I haven’t looked into this further. This seems to be a much bigger and unexpected step compared to the quietly released essays on the priesthood ban.
Yes, I get it every once in a while. It’s usually tied in with my anxiety-induced depression, which has become much rarer now the older I’ve gotten and the more I’ve developed coping and practiced techniques. It has also helped that I’ve surrounded myself with good, supportive family and friends, and although I’m an extrovert, I have introvert-level of comfort when I find myself alone with nothing to do. The loneliness does pop up, though. Sometimes it shows when I’m reminded of my high school friends who are almost all married and mostly all with kids. I really love my single life and the ability to do almost whatever I want whenever I want (in terms of life experiences, like moving or getting a job or even going on a mission). And I had a close friend the other day point out that she’s certain I would be miserable if I had gotten married and started having kids as young as some of our friends. But…sometimes, you just can’t help feeling lonely.
