[whatnow]

Thank you all for your kind responses and best wishes. Specially mfree6464 , that came back! To him, I wanna say that I understand the grief, and is real. Being on the “exception” side, as he calls is, of the people that really did everything right, does make it harder, for sure. Not because I regret, but because just make the hole thing even more unfair.

mfree6464 , I”m sorry to hear that the pain is still there. I had hight hopes that time would make it go away somehow

I’m even more sorry to hear that your faith in church has being shake, because I truly, honest believe that without the Lord by now, I would be much, much worst than I am ( and I’m pretty bad myself). For many days, I also prayed for help, for the Lord to easy my pain, and felt that I had no anwser. So I just keep reading my scriptures more and watching conference talks about forgiveness and atonement, and those help me, for a short time, mainly because I can feel the spirit during those minutes.

I do believe that sometime we have to learn to be strong without complete comfort and help from above, because those are the times that we actually grow.

I followed the ( very wise) council of people here and looked for help. It has being about 11 months now that my husband told me he does not believe in God anymore and 9 weeks since I know about his past, and till 2 week ago I was a completely mess. After talking with a life coach a couple times, she told me that even if my pain for the lies was normal, my obsessive thoughts about my husband 24/7 was not. She understood that the lack of trust I have on him now would make me want to know what he was doing all the time, but that this was not healthy for me. So after many prayer and fasting I decided to search a psychiatrist, like a real doctor. I told him everything, every issue, every pain. According to him, the stress was too much and for too long for my brain to cope.

The “betrayal” of my husband losing his faith, plus finding out about the times he drank, plus finding out about the intimacies of his past, plus the fact that he lied for 12 years, all in a short period of time, has caused me to a medium depression state, were I could not see things objectively any more.

I would wake up many times during the night thinking about that, and loose my temper with my ( poor) kids for no reason, and had lost weight for the lack of appetite. Plus, of course, not being able to look to my husband without feeling pain and hate.

So he prescribe me some anti depressive pills. I have being taking those for a little over 1 week now. I believe that its helping a lot. The problems are still there, but now I have the control in my mind to push the thoughts away when they came. I can talk with my husband about it without crying if I need to. The feeling are still there, but are not SO extreme, does this make sense?

For the first time, I look to my husband and, like was said before, and fell some pain, but also pity. I see someone that was lost as a teenager, and is lost again now, and need help.

And more important, I see myself as someone that need to be strong, because Heavenly Father wants me to grow, and this is my Getsemani time. I had 30 year with joy and peace, and I believe that the Lord trusted me to go through this and survive, and learn.

Sometimes I felt was unfair that I did not experience all the “fun and crazy things” other people ( like my husband) did in the past. But most of the time I am grateful I did not, that I was clean. Because I didn’t did that for my future husband, I did it for me, and for the Lord. And being clean and pure made me happy, and save me from much sorrow. I still believe in the prodigal son parable, and even being happy that the younger son was forgiven I also believe that the faithful son will receive more, I do believe that it ALL will count in the end, because God is kind, but is also and ultimately FAIR.

You can learn from your past mistakes, but you can learn more by being clean, humble, and pure. Jesus was perfect, so the nearest we can be to that, the better.

The scriptures say that Nefi and Moroni, even being so great, had a life full of sorrow. So why should I expect different? I’m trying hard to focus less on my relationship with my husband ( a not perfect person that will hurt me many times) and more with the Lord, that will not let me down ( even if we fell that he is not there for some period of time mfree6464). Lets hang in there.

Thanks for your support, all! Really!

[whatnow]

hawkgrrrl and Roy

Thanks for the advice. I read all the comments from the original post very carefully, and it help me for a few moments.

I understand what you said, hawkgrrrl. It makes sense. But still, it feels like a lie. Specially because sleeping several times with his past girlfriend was not the only thing he did, he went 3rd base with a couple girls before his mission too ( and I was not aware of those either). He tells me that he KNEW that it was a issue for me (so sorry, but I do admit that chastity is a big deal for me, it aways was), and that’s is exact the reason that he decide not to tell me the true, he knew that would be a deal breaker to me. Please don’t judge that. please.

I believe that the mais issue is that i don’t trust him anymore. When we were engage he went out of town and kissed a couple girls, apparently because he was “not sure” about my feelings (even us being engage??) and I only heard about him ( sadly, for other sources) after we were married. I was devastated, and was very, very hard for me to let this go after he apologized ( maybe I never really did inside). But I stay in this matrimony and had 4 kids with this man after that. We had a very happy marriage for 12 years, after all!

I stayed with him even after, about 1 year ago, I found out that he did not believe in God anymore, was going to church ( only to watch is phone all the time) just to make me happy, and even has already tried beer and wine in the past months out of curiosity. Promissed me never to do it again. Once again, just like the girls he kissed when we were engage, the having sleep with someone else, the drinks, I had to know by someone else but him or only after much insistence of my part.

I was devastated, to say the least, to se my dear husband, the amazing missionary, great leader, with huge heart and testimony not believing anymore. Still, after many ( MANY!!) fasting, praying and crying, I was just starting to trusting him again, building a relation all over again, forgiving him ( sorry, but I DID had to forgive him for stop believing in God. I don’t know how to explain why, but it fell like a betrayal. Again).

So after aaaaaalllll this emotional roller coaster, out of nowhere, I have another bomb drop in my head. He was not virgem. He had touch ( and being touch at) by several girls. he lied for 12 years and told me SEVERAL times during out more intimate moments that I was his first and only ( clearly he was trying to convince himself too, I can tell).

And it feels that I just can’t cope with all this anymore. I just have no dreams left. He took it all away.

And I CAN’T stop thinking about him sleeping with this other woman ( that, bdw, I have to see every now and then since we are from the same stake! She was not a member at the time and after the repentance process she joined the church, and is my current stake president wife. I hold nothing agains her, she looks like a great girl, was not a member at the time, and was not the one who lied to me. But still is not easy to see her now).

I just need to know, hopefully from people with similar situation, how to STOP the pain. How to stop thinking about it.

I understand forgiveness. And being clean again. So there is no need to explain that to me. Lord knows that I only survived knowing that he had cheated on me when we were engaged because the power of the atonement. I know the heal is real. But this last thing fells to much. I need to let it go, or is over, I can’t handle more pain. so please, please, HOW?

[whatnow]

I’m aware that this conversation is over 2 years old. And I’m truly sorry to bring back a clearly painful subject. But for the past weeks I’m seeing myself in the exact same spot than “mfree6464”, The only difference is that I’m the wife and that my husband and I have been marry for 12 years when the true came up. My husband were also a teenager when it all happened ( around 17), it was all before his mission, and he went though the complete process with the leaders, was clean and served a great mission.

But he also lied to me when we were engage and had the “hard but necessary”chat, and hide the true. Just like mfree6464 , I was extremely careful and clean on my youth, and he was actually the first guy I ever kissed. That also make thing harder for me. I fell that I don’t need to describe my pain, because mfree6464 did already, perfectly. It was amazing to see someone else describing my EXACT feelings, in every single way.

so now, 2 years latter, I just need to know: mfree6464 , did the pain ever went away? did you stop thinking about it 24/7? How did you did it? how to cope with the pain, the lost of a dream, or expectation, that was truly never real?

please, I have know for about 5 weeks now( and like your wife, my husband has being great and patience with me), and every time I think I’m getting better, after 1 day or 2, the pain comes back full force. Any advice of how to stop hurting so much?

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