[whiterapids]

Yep. Yep. I have a lot to think about. A lot of this will take time and a brain reboot.

Thanks for all the food for thought everyone.

[whiterapids]

West wrote:

And just know that the answer doesn’t have to be 100% traditional Mormon.

I see I need to explore how to be mormon but a mellow one. It’s a really foreign concept to me. Those people are the ones I have seen as wrong! Ug. What a new way to think. How to put it into action is tricky.

Awakening wrote:

I know you are thinking about leaving but might I just suggest instead of an “all or nothing approach” to maybe step back out of your calling and take some time to really let yourself come and go freely without the pressure of “having to be there”. It has been really important for me to do this. I have also been very involved in many leadership callings as well. I can get up and leave any meeting that I want to or just spend a Sunday enjoying my family at home or out somewhere.

Again, what a refreshing, but foreign concept that I could actually do this. What a paradigm shift.

What would a conversation with the bishop look like (to be released from primary president and not called to another leadership or teaching calling? And what does the conversation with my husband look like? Because they will have to know something serious is up for me to shift so much from my typical orthodox ways. How much do i say? Being honest is so important to me. Hiding my feelings is exhausting and not right or fair. Should I start a new thread on this in the support forum?

Again, thank you for so many kind words and thoughtful comments.

[whiterapids]

Hugs to you. Big giant hugs. I am so sorry you have had to go through such suffering.

As I imagine my future (with a lesser level of church involvement) I imagine picking up a hobby I liked and haven’t had time to do. Like, joining a community choir. Maybe you could think of something from years back that you loved and try it anew? To rebuild your identity?

I don’t have much to offer for advice, just a heart that feels for you. Take care and hang in there.

[whiterapids]

Hi everyone. I am just touched by your kindness. Truly. Thank you.

First, reading your comments helped me simmer down, for sure. You know how it is when you are just on fire with all those emotions!! It was good to be calmed. So thanks.

I spoke to a friend of mine this weekend. She used to be a member of the church. She mentioned, similar to your thoughts on this thread, to make sure the issue with my husband is that I need to be heard and to be honest with my feelings about going to church. But my current responsibility is NOT to convince hubby that the church isn’t true. I liked that, it took some pressure off.

During the week, before I posted, I was feeling desperate and made an appointment with a close friend’s marriage counselor. I thought I would go see him and ask him how I should navigate this. You know, a neutral party can help, right? I thought he could help me weigh actions/consequences and make some choices about “what’s worth it.” Also, if needed, my husband and I could see him together and talk about it with him there to help out. A good move….I hope!

mom3 wrote:

What do you like still? Do you like your husband? Do you like your family? In the church is there anything you like? Try listing life and your feelings in terms of what you like not what you believe and see if that helps.

Hmm, this is a good idea. I think I will do that tomorrow. Seems like a good thing to bring to a counselor too. He probably would have suggested it himself!

Ann wrote:

I really feel for you and identify with a lot of your situation. (Like how to get through Primary in March with all the simplified sharing times about prophets.)

Ha ha, yes, I’ve been wrestling with how to teach this tomorrow. I keep considering to call in sick, but I don’t know. I should take the honest way and show up. Maybe I’ll come up with a game or something. I was going to bring suckers, but it’s fast Sunday. Do I bring them anyway!? My orthodoxy says NO!

I will remember all the advice about going slow and focusing on what we still have in common and our future still together.

One thing to add. I thought the time since I spoke with my husband had been 5 years, but I did the math and it’s been 8! And it took me 4-5 years of quiet questioning before I even told him! That’s a grand total of 12+ years. Wow. No wonder I’m at bursting point. I will have to put this all in an introduction sometime. It’s just hard to find time private from all the family’s needs (and eyes).

Thanks again for your time and thoughtfulness. I will let you know how things progress. I feel like I need a group hug.

Whiterapids

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